Reasoning for the Season?

17 days and counting until Christmas, 85% of the shopping done in good shape overall, but Christmas brings me to a topic that I don't like to discuss much…religion.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and if you are not a part of Christianity in some respect or form, Christmas should probably not even fall on your radar. I guess there are the pagan origins and other such traditions, but at the root of it all it is a Christian holiday.

I'm not going all bible thumpy on you dear reader, not at all. That is not, nor will it ever be me. I spent the better part of my formative years in many different types of religious settings, be it Catholic, Baptist or some other sort of denomination. Had we had Jewish and Muslim folks in our small town, I might have even experienced those too.

But religious I'm not. Or maybe I am, religion by definition is an organized collection of thoughts on the universe/supreme beings etc… I'm paraphrasing of course, but I have some pretty strong feelings on those who claim to be religious or do things for religious reasons.

At a very fundamental level I have  problem with any system that casts prejudice or persecutes because it doesn't fall within the "religion guidelines" Catholics condemn the gays and are strong on pro-life views, certain groups condemn women and treat them as second class. If we take a look at the ongoing conflicts in the world are not a lot of them generated from one group/tribe/religion believing itself superior to the other?

I think it's all crap.

I don't argue with faith, and belief in a higher power, a sense of community and servitude, that's all good stuff and falls in line with my philosophy of treat others as you'd want to be treated. Worship God, Allah, Buddha, the earth and sky, Colonel Sanders for all I care, just don't use it as an excuse as to why you did or didn't do something.

You and only you are ultimately responsible for what you do. Don't tell me the church made you do it, or so and so came to you in a dream and said all blue eyed people are evil. Your religion is not an excuse for your actions.

If you go out and deliberately harm someone or something it is not in the name of (insert higher power here), it is your dumb ass self that is doing the deed. If you lack the judgement to determine right and wrong and good vs. evil don't use religion as your justification.

I don't buy it. I'm not professing to be holier than thou and more worthy than anyone else. That's not my nature. I live by my integrity alone. If I think I've done something wrong, I cop to it, simple as that. I don't gossip, criticize or be intentionally vindictive if I can help it. 

I'm not perfect, never will be, I sling some shit from time to time, but I really do live by the golden rule. Treat others as you'd want to be treated. I help out when I can or am able as I know that there will come a time that I will need the same. I don't dish out more than I can take if you know what i mean.

If I say something unkind about someone, I figure that someone is doing the same about me. Karma is a mean bitch and she'll come around and kick your ass if you aren't careful.

I'm not super cheery, always making muffins for the PTA, working at the homeless shelter, rescuing kittens in my basement or painting rainbows on the walls in the local hospital.

I'm just me, trying to be the best person I can be, with a faith and belief in a higher or collective power.

We chose to send Miss K to Catholic school for a whole host of reasons, top of the list was not that she could receive a catholic education.

But at the top of the list was to put her in a place where she could learn about the world and develop her own love for her fellow schoolmates and teachers, that was in a caring and nurturing environment.

Already she's become a better person, she knows that Jesus has a birthday at Christmas, that yes Santa comes and brings presents but perhaps there is something more than just that. Our public education system is so afraid of offending someone that I'd be surprised if there was much mention at all of the actual reason that Christmas is celebrated. 

I feel strongly that she's in the right place, and despite my objections to religion as a whole, I think she's getting a better picture on the world as well as learning to read and write.

Til the next time….what do you believe in?

My new love affair

I have a new love. It has been building for a little while now. Over the course of the last couple of years I've seen an intermittent crush turn into a full blown all out love affair. I'm smitten beyond belief and it is time to let the world know about it.

No, I'm not confessing infidelity with Big C., quite the contrary. But there is a strong love affair in my life and it is never more prevalent than at this time of year.

I love online shopping. I mean seriously love it. It totally rocks my world and this year is going to rock the majority of the Christmas presents under the tree.

No crowds, no driving, no waiting, and the big one no time wasted.

I did some online shopping last week at a major retailer's website, I purchased about 12 items in approximately 15 minutes. Even if I did not count the drive to the nearest store, there is no way I could have physically bought those items by walking through the store and paying at the checkout in that time frame. No way. Not possible. 

3 days later it was all delivered to my front door, without me having to battle a crowded parking lot, rude people or any other such atrocity associated with the festive season. Now, one item did end up being back ordered but they promised speedy delivery once back in stock.

Not only can I have stuff shipped to myself, I can have it shipped to other people too! Gift wrapped if I so choose. 

Did I mention for the most part all of these online shipping charges amount to nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. Order a certain amount or order from certain places and it won't cost you a cent to have it come to your door or someone else's door if you wish.

How cool is this?

I'm hooked. Totally one hundred percent hooked. It started many years ago, with a few hard to find or specialty items that could only be found in far away places or certain stores and it grew and grew to where this year I do believe that 3/4 of my holiday shopping will have been completed online in some fashion.

There are the true die hard shoppers out there that swear by the personal touch of going out and getting the full sensory onslaught that is Christmas shopping. And truth be told I will do some of that too.

But why waste my time, energy, gas and most of all patience, when I can order what I want and ship it to whom I want in the comfort of my own home at 9pm on a Sunday night? I ask you that question?

The holidays are stressful enough, we have a full scale renovation that is going on, we have a 4 year old who would like as much of our time as we can spare her, why add to it by having to allot a whole afternoon or even a full day to getting your xmas shopping done?

Thinking about the shopping time alone makes me want to have a small panic attack, never mind the driving time to and from the stores, finding parking, battling the elements as it is December in Canada. Why would I put myself through this torture?

I will go get stocking stuffers in person, I will write out Christmas cards and send them in the mail, I will spend time baking and decorating and doing the things we like to do for the holidays. I will put my heart and soul into all that is Christmas, but if I can indulge in this one new love please don't judge me.

I love the glow of the laptop or iPad screen telling me that my order will arrive in 2-3 business days. I love seeing the packages on the front porch. Seeing each of them reminds me that I probably saved a minimum of 1 hour of my life to do something else just by double clicking on that "place order" button and I couldn't be happier.

Til next time….if you're awake at 9 pm on a Sunday night, I'm probably in my p.j.'s shopping for something..lol

Quality time, or lack thereof

It's November 24th today. One month until Christmas eve. It's balmy, raining and windy today, snow flurries are back tomorrow. I'm feeling the first pangs of Christmas panic setting in.

The shopping is pretty much under control which is great, but the decorating, wrapping, baking, cooking, cards, get-togethers, is going to hit us like a steamroller soon. 

We're just starting to get a handle on the renovations…as in we might actually be able to move into our master bedroom and start using it soon, we may not be able to hang clothes in the closet, but we're almost there. There's the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel…

But Christmas is going to screw it all up.

We're going to be stretched too thin. There's going to be too much going on that we're going to get sick, or we're going to miss out on something we really should have done, we're going to yell and scream at one another or something ugly is going to come of it.

Yes, this doesn't bode well for my positive outlook, but I"m not maintaining much faith that the festive season is going to be the least bit relaxing.

I'm prepared to put in the work, and I've resolved to do that which I'm able, I or we cannot extend ourselves much more than we have. I need a break, we all need a break, but I don't think its coming any time soon.

I felt pretty bad this weekend as the only quality time I spent with Miss K was when we were out building a snowman Saturday afternoon, and when we played a couple board games Saturday night. Sunday was a blur and she spent too much time in front of the TV. We did do dishes together, but chores shouldn't be part of quality time.

Miss K is a good kid and truthfully she likes days that she can just play and stay in her pi's. It's the odd weekend that we do not do something all together and this was one of them, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made to get shit done.

I try not to think about all that has to be done, it can overwhelm in a heartbeat. December isn't even here yet and I know there's going to be an onslaught of things that Miss K wants to do and see, not to mention Big C, and don't even go down the road of what I might want to do…

We'll get through it, but when those first Christmas songs start playing on the radio, I feel the pressure starting to build. I don't have any sort of Norman Rockwell holiday season image to live up to, but you see the fear/panic in people's faces as they try to go to everything, do everything, be everything that they think Christmas should be.

I hope for a simpler holiday, of spending time and joy with those who mean the most and not feeling like I need to bake a 7 layer trifle with homemade sprinkles every time we go somewhere.

The trick is to get what you want to do done, that which is in reason, even it that is only getting the laundry off the dining room table so that people have a place to eat Christmas dinner.

There should not be stress or panic at Christmas, the expectations that are out there are set by ourselves only, maybe in some part holiday advertising and seriously, who has time for all that shit?

I know I don't. 

I resolve to give myself a break this holiday season and try to enjoy the festivities all the while getting renovations done and perhaps making some kick ass peanut butter balls too!

Til next time…I hope all your Christmas plans come together

Wooly wearing time

It has been too long since the last post. I had one typed up about a week ago, and a couple days passed with it on my desktop, and but that time I felt it was no longer relevant to post.

Life isn't really much busier than before, but things seem to pile up and writing gets pushed to the back burner a bit.

Halloween came and went. A rainy night, but not downpours so we did take in about 9 houses with Miss K. Bless her heart she had a bucket full of candy and decided at the end of the night that she would just have her fruit like normal for a snack before bed. I'm stating to pick away at the treats now, as she no longer has much interest in what is in there. She likes the stuff, she just isn't driven by that sugar craze that some kids have.

We are now in the middle of November, on the downward slide to Christmas. Snow flakes have even been in the air. Miss K is super pumped over that, she loves snow and playing in it. It will be a nice winter at the new place. It means spending more money though…we had to get something bigger and better to move snow than our 28" snowblower, Big C figured we'd be about 4 hours clearing snow with it if we got a big dump. So tomorrow we get to pick up our ATV with plow attached.

I'm kind of excited, and kind of not excited about all the money that seems to be flowing out our doors right now. It will be ok as our assets are more than our debts it just doesn't seem to stop right now and xmas is just around the corner…oh yay! Ramen noodles and KD for all of 2015! LOL

As for staying positive, that has been going pretty well. I wouldn't say I'm rocking the positive train right now, but despite some crap going on I've been doing ok.

Miss K running a fever last night which was worrisome, Big C had a cough for 3+ weeks that is troubling, the puppy dog leaves on Sunday for 3 or 4 weeks to do some training which is sad, our new heated floor is not working which pisses me off because it's the one thing that I really did want out of this renovation. I don't ask for much and this was a true luxury, but if they cannot get it to work…well then this lady is going to be somewhat disgruntled. I hate having cold feet and this was to be an indulgent treat…there will be hell to pay and money refunded if the flooring guys screwed up when they put it in that's for sure….

But they're minor annoyances, life bumps, overall things are good, busy but good. A little scared that xmas is coming and we're nowhere close to being done enough shopping or have any sort of plan for decorations etc…but we'll just wing it.

Big C and I are holding our own, another date night this week and overall a little more solid footing in our household. Day by day, step by step. I would like more time to ask how he's really doing, hoping to get to do that this weekend, really have a chat, but we'll get there

Til next time…wear your woolies, its cold out there!

I don't think we're supposed to figure them out

Is it just me or are kids really really hard to figure out?

Miss K is great. She's happy, cheerful, very kind and loving, active, funny, basically all the things you want a kid to be. Overall she's a joy to be around and we love her dearly, but lord, some days a complete frigging mystery.

There's the fierce independence that shows in her when she insists on doing everything herself. It's a great quality and one I hope that she develops and grows.

But its tempered with the melt down in 3.2 seconds because she cannot draw a tulip, get the glue container open, or has a wet sock for any number of reasons

Honestly? The same kid that will insist on cutting up her own fruit (with supervision) for her lunch snack, who clears the table without being asked, who will feed the dog after supper cannot make the mental leap to take off her sock when it gets wet? OMG!

Then there is the more social side of things. Miss K is an introvert, always will be I think. She's got 2 parents who vary in their introversion, but passed along the trait to her nonetheless, it is there in her in spades.

We attended a family function over Thanksgiving weekend. True to form Miss K stuck rather close to me for most of the afternoon. There were other kids she knew there, she doesn't know them well, but they are not unfamiliar like the rest but still she would not leave my side to go and venture to play.

Fine. I've got no issues, she's too young to push into uncomfortable situations and if memory serves I was a lot like that too at her age.

Except on the flip side, this is the same kid who will flawlessly sing 2 songs learned at school in front of a room of 20 people without hesitation after the family dinner.

Drama queen to the fullest. 

Maybe she does get it from me. I'm more comfortable speaking to 1000 people in an auditorium than making idle small talk in a group of 2 or 3.

Weird how that is. Not something that i could have ever taught her. We don't go to places where her dad or I are particularly uncomfortable so she wouldn't see our quiet side come out, must be inherited somehow.

She seems to have settled in at school and talks about interacting with peers, so I know she's not hunched in a corner somewhere, but her fear and awkwardness in new situations with new people comes from her parents even though we have not in any way shown her examples of it

Odd, one of the wonders of the human mind, though I'm sure there are some very extroverted kids with introverted parents and vice versa. You just never know what you're going to get do you?

And far be it from me to figure the little suckers out. I guess that is why you love them. They're a miniature version of their parents in so many ways, but God put a big crazy twist in there somewhere and they just mess with your head a lot of the time.

I'm not sure if it keeps me young or just gives me more grey hairs.

Til next time…may your kid not have a break down because you gave them orange cheese instead of white

Thanks for Thanksgiving

It's been a while since I've written a post. No reason for not doing so, just haven't had much to say I suppose.

My day job has been busier so I suppose that is part of the reason, I would tend to post when I had breaks in the day, now not so many of those so less time for typing.

The weather is much more fall like now. We've even had some frost, which is a sure sign that winter is around the corner. Our raspberries are hanging in, never have I seen raspberries like these, they just keep coming and coming. It's fantastic. Even Miss K knows the difference between home grown produce and store bought. She now says she does not want store bought raspberries anymore.

Big C is on his annual moose hunt, an event he looks forward to every single year, but this year made a little tougher due to his already being away from home so much. He will have fun and unwind a bit, but maybe won't have quite the same joy in his heart as other years.

Thanksgiving is always a tough time for me. It marks the first time that our mudpuppy had a seizure, I was just barely pregnant with Miss K when she first went down.

it is tempered with the happiness that our new boy turns 1 year old on the weekend. There were times that I thought we would kill him, but he's survived us, and for the most part is a good dog, with huge potential, we just have to have the time to tap into it.

My dad is coming tonight for supper. It's a good and bad thing, I do like to see him and Miss K enjoys his company, but undoubtedly there will be the jabs about us not coming to visit, about this or that or whatever he feels isn't right with how we treat him. 

Maybe "treat him" isn't the right word, but his expectations and reality are not in sync. He compares our lives with those who are around them, how much time they spend with their grandchildren, what they do or don't do etc…and it drives us crazy.

You can tell him 100 times that they can visit any time they want but then you sense their frustration when we are not home or cannot observe their last minute request.

I figure in the average week when school is going on we have about 40-45 waking hours to spend with Miss K. A lot has to be crammed into that time, regular household chores, meals etc… and he fails to understand why we could not possibly have 4-5 hours for him every week.

I don't let it get to me too much, but at the same time it drives me crazy. He's got all damn day to wash clothes, grocery shop, clean and so on, and cannot possibly understand why we don't have the time to come and visit him on a regular basis. Granted we should probably try harder to get there, but temper your expectations a bit…you can come and visit while we're doing our stuff but that never seems to be good enough.

I've been doing ok with my positivity challenge. Not super, but ok. I've slipped to positive purgatory now and again, verging on the edge of a negative rant about everything and anything, but have kept it mostly in check.

It will be a nice weekend to spend some time with Miss K and the dog. Lonely without Big C, but lots to keep me busy. We've got painting to do and soon Miss K will be able to move into her actual room which is good. We got our vanity delivered yesterday, it looks fantastic, will be very excited for the first part of November when we can get all the fixtures in the ensuite…yay

It's our Thanksgiving this weekend, some time with family, some time alone, good mix of both, hopefully the weather holds and isn't too nasty for anyone with a house full of little children. (If its sunny you can send them outside!)

Til next time…thanks for reading...

We've got 7, do I hear 8?

Another fall day that feels like summer. Honestly one of the best summer weekends we had was this past one and it was really in Autumn. 26°C each day and sunny, coolish at night so no A/C required, how could you ask for anything more?

Miss K begged to wear her bathing suit and play in the water one more time on Saturday and I couldn't say no. We washed one of the cars and she played in the hose and it really couldn't get much better than that. Even the dog had fun with the water.

Big C not quite as happy as we were as it was opening day of duck hunting season. Shorts weather is not exactly ideal for ducks or shooting them anyway. But they did manage to rid the world of a few more geese so not all was lost on the day for them.

Today is anniversary #7 for us. Married 7 years, who woulda thunk it? Seems the wedding wasn't that long ago, but instead we're on our second dog, our kid is in school and the marriage itself is well, I don't even know what to say it is these days.

I would not say shaky ground. That seems to imply that someone is threatening to leave or there are fights and unkind words being said a lot. That isn't the case.

But that security blanket isn't there anymore either. It's been pulled off and now we stand there kind of exposed and naked to all that marriage has in store for us.

Somedays I wonder if we'll see 8 years of marriage and others I wonder what we'll be doing when we're married 25 years.

I don't feel particularly comfortable these days. Not awkward or unloved, just not very secure it what is going on and happening.

One day there's lots of hugs and genuine affection, the next I feel its pretty much a one way street, as in I'm giving lots, but not getting in return.

Not that I expect to get everything back. I'm not a tit for tat type of person when it comes to that stuff, just that there's a pretty hollow feeling inside when there's no feeling from the other person.

Big C isn't cold or standoffish, its something I can't put my finger on, more like he'd just rather not touch me or be near me, like he's so wrapped up in himself, that everything else ceases to exist.

Today is a day I could really use a hug. Sure Miss K gave me a couple this morning and no doubt there are more to come later today. However, this is a need for a big wrap you in some big strong arms and feel comforted hug.

But, my guy is in the big city until Wednesday and some days I'm not even sure that he'd want to give me a hug like that, because it would imply feeling that he perhaps doesn't have.

I hope that my flower delivery gets to him and that it brightens his day, just knowing those two things would sure brighten my day

Til next time…I hope everyone's day is brightened, either by the sun, someone's kind words or whatever puts a smile on your face...

Don't worry, be happy

The positive challenge has been tough the last little bit.

I'm struggling to keep things light and focus on the good…the negative stuff keeps popping in, most of  it minor, but it's sticking its ugly head into things and giving me a struggle

On the plus side there is the fact that Miss K, the dog and I have been kicking it on our own. I've been very patient and understanding with Miss K for the most part and that is helping things roll smoothly in solo parenting mode.

Miss K is starting to get that whining will get you nowhere, or in her case it will get you a trip to your room. And she is figuring out that we're not tolerating yelling in the house as that will get you a trip to the kitchen table to put your head down.

Big C and I had a good date night on the weekend. It gave me hope for the future that there would be more date nights and hope that the drama would cease from Miss K about us going out without her.

The weather is rocking it for early fall, cool to start but we're hitting near summer highs by days end which is awesome.

Lots of good things and I really do try to keep things on the positive side, so in that respect I'm keeping my end of the deal with the positive challenge.

But there's lots of confusion, hurt, worry and lack of understanding clouding the positive sky these days.

I'm so frustrated with Big C. One day very loving and cheerful, the next he won't even acknowledge that I'm in the room. 

The lack of understanding on how he can be nearly like his old self one day and distant and insensitive the next. I wonder sometimes if he really wants to try to make us work. I know he struggles, but some part of me wants to shout at him "wake up you miserable s.o.b. and realize what the hell you've got"

He is more caring and compassionate with just about everyone else but me, except I know on the other hand he'd be devastated if anything serious happened to me.

I don't understand his expectations. I feel somedays like we can't live up to them. That's all of us, myself, Miss K and the dog. He expects great things which is good, but is crushed or cranky when the expectation isn't met.

You ask about his day, you take an interest in his life, you compliment him or say how much you appreciate him and it seems to fall on deaf ears. And you sure as hell don't expect any of that in return.

It causes a lot of confusion, the up and down, push/pull, roller coaster, not really being sure where it is  you stand. Like there is some hidden agenda and if you don't attend all the meetings you get fired.

I will stick it out, it's still more good than bad and nobody ever said marriage was easy, I just wish right now it wasn't so damn hard…

Til next time…enjoy the sun if you live around these parts…it's great!!

Staying positive, even when everything else isn't

I made a pledge a couple weeks ago to be positive.

Not ever lasting always the glass is half full eternal optimist positive, but really an effort to focus more on the good things, then on the not so good. 

It's easy to complain, but much tougher to notice the good things when the bad seems to stick out so much. It's easier to say that it's too cold and dark in the mornings now when you take the dog for a walk than to say you enjoy watching the sunrise or how the dog seems to love the cooler temps.

I read a blog pretty regularly called "Not your Average Mom". She's not average, she's got 7 kids, financial troubles, marital troubles and other issues that would put most of us in the nut house for good, but she offers some valid and humorous anecdotes on life and its struggles.

There was talk of being positive for one week, but she wanted it to be a much loftier goal for people and have it be a year. A year to change your thinking and a year to recognize the good in your life.

I thought I could do that. I'm not a hugely negative person, more of a realist and with a streak of sarcasm that puts a taint on things from time to time. But not really a Debby Downer, still I knew there was room for improvement.

Room to grow and be more grateful for what I had than what I didn't or what I thought was wrong.

A keep your chin up attitude despite all the shit going on with the renovation and Big C.

Today is a tough day. Today is a day that I'm having trouble seeing the plus side of things, today I'm doubting lots in the world. Today I'm looking for some help from a higher power on how I can be stronger and more understanding.

Big C was home from the day job for 2 nights. It was pretty good, his birthday was yesterday and we had meet the teacher BBQ on Tuesday. Pretty fun overall and Miss K had a blast. 

Things were nice with Big C and I, not normal, but a little less uncomfortable than they had been. I see he's trying and I'm doing my best to be patient with him.

But, there's breaks in his good cheer. There's this temper that comes out of nowhere. and typically for some stupid reason. He's not violent by any means, but I think sometimes he surprises himself with how quickly he flies off the handle.

Miss K will be just being a typical 4 year old girl and some days he cannot handle the drama, or I will disagree with him on something and that is cause for sharp words. Even the dog doesn't stand a chance sometimes, all he wants is to play and he gets yelled at.

I worry that he's going to really hurt himself physically with the outbursts. He's going to have high blood pressure, or a heart attack or stroke if he doesn't watch it. It's part of his temperament in general, he's always had a short lived and fiery temper, but it concerns me that it pops up more often.

Today he left without so much as  a goodbye, I thought he was coming back in the house, but next I knew he was driving down the lane. I think some of it was that he doesn't want long goodbyes with me and Miss K as they make him sad, but still….

Then, he calls me to say he's in safe and sound. Always the good husband to call so that I don't worry he's stuck on a highway somewhere.

I guess its the dichotomy that i can't stand. One moment the guy I fell in love with and the next someone that is kind of like that guy but with some part of him that is broken or not set quite right.

The hot and cold, up and down tears away at you. I try to be upbeat, I find tons of positive stuff every day, but there are days like today that kind of beat you down. Your heart hurts so much and the person you most want to talk to or cuddle up with is the one that doesn't really want to be with you.

Til next time, I'm looking for the silver lining for today

Fall weekends and proud mom moments

Another Monday.

Feels a lot like fall out there these days. Sucks because that means winter is right around the corner and considering we didn't have much of a summer, that sucks even more.

But I like fall, cool nights, warmish days, usually not too much rain, a pleasant time of year.

It was a crazy weekend, well maybe not crazy, but busy for sure.

We had a couple more surprises with the renovation project, nothing hugely expensive thank God, but time consuming as we had to drywall the entire ceiling in Miss K's new room or risk the plaster falling in sometime down the road.

Miss K was excited to go shoe shopping on Sunday. She mostly wanted to go to Home Depot due to there being driving carts there, but thought the prospect of new shoes for her sounded pretty good too. 

So 300 bucks later we were done shopping. New shoes and winter boots for her. New frying pans for us and a few things at Costco and it still ended up being an expensive weekend.

At least the renovation budget isn't taking a 1000 dollar hit every week now. We've got the taper/mudder guy to pay and the balance of the flooring to come due. And of course paint, closet organizers and accessories to go yet, but the big stuff is done.

I had a very proud mom moment on Sunday too. I'm always proud of Miss K but Sunday was a really good day.

We were out at a local store and they had one of those swinging bar contraptions as you enter the store. The kind where if you don't hold it for the next person it swings back and catches them in the nards, or in Miss K's case square on the chin.

So Big C went through, then Miss K, then me, she held the bar while I went through and proceeded to hold it for the 2 people that came in the store behind me.

We didn't ask that she hold it, she just did. And that made me swell with pride, that we'd done a good enough job in raising her that even at 4 years old she was conscious of other people around her and made good social etiquette decisions

It was like the day we were at a dog trial and an older gentleman asked if he might have one of the potato chips that she was eating. She jumped up off her seat and went over and gave him one, I think he was so shocked that she did he just stood there and looked at her for few seconds before saying thank you.

It's moments like those that make you think that maybe you really are instilling the right values and manners in your kid, or perhaps its more nature than nurture?? Who knows for sure, but she's one hell of a kid somedays.

She's been in school a total of 9 full days and already has 2 full songs memorized, has an "award" from her teacher that she knows all her uppercase letters and has just about all the kids in the classroom name's memorized.

It wasn't a bad weekend for Big C and I, not super, but not bad either. He was a little crusty/cranky to start with, but by Sunday he was pretty good and seemed in good spirits. Just remaining hopeful that he's getting his crap together a little bit more.

Only time will tell on that front, til then we just have to keep taking it day by day…never sure what the future brings, but that is life I guess

Til next time…has your kid done something to make you proud lately

Life Principles

I've been thinking a lot lately about my principles and what is important to me. 

Mostly because of the rocky road Big C and I are travelling right now, but also because of Miss K starting school, our move and a host of other influencers.

One of my big ones is practice what you preach or in my case actions speak louder than words.

I've never been one for preaching anything. I don't like to extoll my virtues or my faults to anyone at any time. And I place little faith in people's words unless they back 'em up with suitable actions.

That's one of my big life principles, don't just say it, do it, or live it whatever the case may be.

Follow through on what you say if you say anything at all or just lead by example.

Life has taught me that quite often words are just that, words. People don't back them up, or they say things because they think its what you want to hear.

I'm not bitter or cynical. Yes, I've been burned sometimes but not so much as to be scarred by it. 

Truthfully, I like to believe that people are going to follow through on what they say and have learned over the years to surround myself with people who actually do follow through and live up to their values and morals.

I guess where i'm coming from is that words are easy to say. A person can easily say "I love you" or I support you, or I will do that for you or any number of hollow promises because its easy to say. 

I can walk up to a complete stranger and tell them that I love them, but is there anything to back it up, any actions/proof/follow through on my words? Likely not.

I prefer to not say as much and live my feelings, live my morals and keep my integrity rather than dish out a bunch of false promises.

I tend to do the things that show how I feel, not say how I feel. 

It lands me in some trouble from time to time, because there are times that words do need to be said, but I still feel it's just words, unless I'm doing something to follow through on my words then they're just hollow empty shells of feelings I don't have.

I do love Big C. I love him with all my heart and soul. He is one of the best things that ever happened in my life, next to Miss K, but without him, that wouldn't have happened either.

It's for these 2 people in my life that I am even more incensed to live by this principle. They deserve nothing less.

With Big C starting his new temporary position that will take him away from home even more it is really hard to spend a ton of quality time with Miss K. There's supper to make, clean up, the dog, the every day household chores etc…but I'm going to make sure that she knows that she matters. 

It might just be taking 5 minutes to sit with her and watch TV and have a snack before starting supper,  it might be helping her with a craft, I don't know what it will be but I'm going to do it, she matters and she deserves to know that she matters.

Its the same with Big C. Perhaps my words and actions aren't really hitting home with him right now, but I'm still going to keep plugging away. I won't sacrifice my health or well being, but will do all in my power to make him feel loved and supported.

I want to lead by example, be strong and caring and genuine. 

It's always been a driving force in my life, hopefully it's enough

Til next time, think about the things that are most important in your personality

4 school days, 1 funeral and some glimpses of hope

We've made it through 4 days of JK. All Miss K does is talk about school. It does not however mean that she wants to go to school.

Today was a battle to get her in a good enough mood to even eat her breakfast. She was having no part of school today, was scared, nervous, tired, didn't want to go, didn't like it, you name it, she was bound and determined that she was not going to school.

We told her we were tired, didn't really like work and didn't want to leave home on a Monday morning either. This actually seemed to placate her a bit, but I have a feeling it could be a really long week ahead.

She will be ok, I know she will, its going to take some time though. There are other kids I'm sure having more of a rough go than her, but it sucks pushing her to do something that she's so fretful about.

The weekend was pretty good, weather was coolish, but sunny for the most part and we had Big C's dad and lady friend to visit which was good too. 

The weekend started off with a funeral on Friday afternoon. One of my best friends mom's passed away after a determined battle with cancer. Sad, but you could almost see the relief on the family's faces that the battle was finally over as it got pretty ugly near the end.

I will miss her. She was a special lady. Different in some ways that any one that I've ever known, like  a mom you wish you had picked if there was such a thing as a shopping mall for mom's. 

I know her husband will be lost, they've been married 43 years. They did most everything together, from raising a family, to running a business to travelling, touring and socializing, you didn't very often see one with out the other.

Big C didn't know her as well as I did, but I know it was his own private hell that day too. She was young and gone too soon, just like his mom 7 years ago. It sucks on so many levels but death is part of life and you soldier on.

It was nice that they had a ministerial friend do the service. So much better than some priest or chaplain reading from cue cards, this guy could actually speak from the heart and mind a bit and reflect on her true character and that made the service so much more warm and less solemn.

It was an ok weekend for Big C and I. Not super, but I've decided to take the positive challenge, and keep things in perspective. I hope that by keeping things upbeat and not dwelling on the crap that is in our lives right now, maybe I can really be the change that I want to see for our family.

Big C is trying. I can see it, he has lapses, but he's truly making an effort and for that I'm glad. I miss the tenderness and physical touch that so cemented our relationship, but I have faith it will come, in time it will come again.

Whatever the outcome at the end of all of this, I want him to be happy with himself and within himself. He's too special a person not to be all he can be.

Til next time…keep your chin up and your thoughts positive

The new normal

One day down, about 20 more years to go.

Miss K's first day of school ever was yesterday. I think I feel a little less like I'm going to throw up today, but not much better.

It was OK overall. Really it was, I think other that being very nervous and overwhelmed by everything, she did have a good time at school.

She was positively bouncing when we went to pick her up, so I figure that is a good thing, but that she is going to crash hard at some point this week and it could be ugly.

She was excited about her teacher, thought recess and outside time was very cool but didn't really want to go back today. 

On the flip side she was pretty good this morning, much better than me. 

I'm still paranoid that I will forget something really vital to send with her. Yesterday it rained and it dawned on me there was no jacket or umbrella for her. We felt bad.

We're used to her being at the sitter and if push comes to shove, she can wear someone else's clothes or coat or whatever if needed. If you forget something for school, you're screwed.

There were lots of tears yesterday. Lots from Miss K and lots from Big C and myself. Pretty ugly all around, we held it together pretty good for the sake of Miss K, but after that we were a mess.

I felt like I was going to barf most of the day and I'm not sure what Big C was feeling, but overall it wasn't good either.

It will get better and become the new normal, but it still sucks. 

I hate having to pack a lunch for her. She's a slow eater and that isn't going to help her when everyone else is going out to play and she's still trying to finish her sandwich. I'm already running out of ideas for lunches, I just don't know what else to pack for her that she will actually want to eat.

Then there was the homework for Big C and I last night, we must have spent 40 minutes reading through and sorting out forms and things. All of it necessary, but overwhelming and tiresome.

I'm not ready for the new normal yet, I know I'm not. There's just so much going on, you wonder how much more you can take.

Big C and I are OK, not great but OK. There's glimpse's of the old Big C, but still so much of the troubled and tormented guy that every day brings its challenges.

I keep asking for patience and taking every day step by step, I used to think I knew what the future would bring, but now I'm not so sure.

I guess it's be thankful for the here and now and pray for smoother waters to come

Til next time…hope your back to school experience has been ok

Letter #2 to my husband

Dear Big C

Here is another letter to you, I know you won't ever read this, but still…

You are on your shopping getaway to the U.S. right now, you were a little disappointed in the one store that you really wanted to go to, but other than that, so far you are having a good time.

I miss you in more ways than I can count and I know that the feeling isn't mutual and that hurts. But, like rebuilding our house, i hope this trip is rebuilding you.

Things are comme ci, comme ça with me, a little of this, a little of that.

There is a whole lot of hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, bitterness and the hundreds of questions that have no answers that I worry about. I feel very lonely and uncomfortable around the man I love most in the world.

But on the flip side, I know that I can only be me and I cannot change to be something I'm not. I look forward to us working together to rebuild us and finding things that we can both improve on. I can't change and do something that I wouldn't do normally, but I can get better at things and that I do want to do.

I love you with all my heart and I'm still going to tell you that I love you, that I want you, that I'm there for you. I'm still going to say that I miss you, I'm still going to touch you and hug you because that is how I feel and I'm not going to stop just because you won't say the same back to me.

I can't deny how I feel and I can't be something I'm not. I want you in my life, in our life as a family. I hope there are things that we can find to make both of us better and stronger and find "us" as a couple again. 

In the unthinkable event that you cannot love me any longer and do not want me in your life, then we will figure that out too. I cannot make your heart feel something it won't. But I hope we can find the strength, faith and hope to not have that as the outcome in our life.

I want to help you through all you're going through, I don't know how I'm going to do that, but despite feeling some pain that I've never ever felt before, I do know that I want to stand strong beside the man that I love.

Miss K loves you too. So much. I hope you know that. Even the dog, he's fit to be tied when he sees you come home he wants to please you so much.

We're all here for you. I want to love you, I do love you, I hope someday soon you will let me love you again and that you will want to love me

Til next time everyone….stay strong and be true to yourself

So many questions

Another weekend passed us by. Where in the hell did the summer go? We were going to do a yard sale, get to more places for dinner, have more people over, go here, go there, do this, do that…and we seem to have come up short in all aspects.

Saturday was fun. We did our usual errands and things in the morning and in the afternoon, we went ahead and met Big C at the retriever trial he was judging. We didn't see much of the dogs running, Miss K and I were visiting with folks and dogs, so we didn't see much retrieving. But that was OK, it was more to get out and be social than anything.

We all had fun, at least it seemed like we did, Big C involved with setting some stuff up and some paperwork but we had dinner together and Miss K participated in the junior handler event which always brings lots of laughs and smiles to everyone's faces.

It was a long day, we didn't get home until 9 pm and Big C was around 11 pm, which is late considering he left before 6 am.

Sunday we did some golfing at the driving range and went out for lunch too. Miss K now has her backpack and lunch bag for school. 

I'm still not feeling really great about her going to school. I worry about her, she's a sensitive kid and I fear a lot of melt downs are in our future. Something is going to stump her, how to get through a maze of kids to get where she wants to go, how to get something open in her lunch etc…and it will send her for a loop.

I don't want to be overprotective and hovering, but I still worry. A lot.

It was a total #$%@ show week. Things OK between me and big C, but not enough time to really talk. He headed out for a few days yesterday afternoon, some work to start, then a shopping trip to finish across the border.

There was a nice big genuine hug before he left, which was good, but such a long road ahead of us in so many ways that it is difficult to cope and handle it all. There are just so many questions without answers and that is tough to take.

You go from being positive and upbeat to pissed off and sad in about 2.3 seconds.

I'm hurt. Really hurt. Hurt that Big C couldn't or wouldn't tell me what was going on with him. Hurt that he told others but didn't tell me. Sad that he's been suffering so long.

Wondering how long our rebuild is going to take and being as he couldn't tell me about his issues, is he really telling the truth about anything anymore? 

I guess its not that bad, I've no reason not to trust him, there's too much at stake if if doesn't end up working out between us, but still your confidence is shaken.

There isn't anyone else, at least not that I can tell, he honestly seems too shook up to actually want to be in another relationship. He's just a big hurting unit and for that I'm so sad.

He seems a little better some days, seems to be regaining some of the joy in his life. I'm wondering if he's realizing that he's got to ask for help, he can't always take on everything like he wants to.

I"m still pissed at him in some ways, but mostly I just see that man that I love. 100% all in, locked and loaded, love you fully and completely.

But honestly wondering how things will ever be the same again. I guess I know they won't ever be the same, but can we come up with something better?

Just another question I really cannot answer...

A letter to my husband

Dear Big C

I am writing this letter of apology for all the things I should have said but didn't. Sometimes there are things that people need to hear and I wasn't saying them, feeling them, but not saying it.

I am so sorry that I let you down. I knew something was wrong, knew you were hurting for a long time but didn't push to find out what it was.

I know how deeply you feel things and with the loss of your grandfather, our Mudpuppy, and your emergency surgery along with stress on the job last year, it was easy to pass off your troubled look for something more superficial.

I should have pushed further, should have said that I was there for you and that you had my support. I  know how long you've been hurting and that makes me sad.

It broke my heart last week when you said it was so nice to hear that I supported you in your new temporary position. Which meant that it was something I should have been saying out loud all along. 

I assume sometimes that you know how I feel by the way I act and take on responsibilities at home etc…but realize that hearing it, would help too.

I am so, so sorry that you felt alone and struggling with whatever is tormenting you, my asking deeper questions or saying that you have my support may not have changed the course of events but at least you would have known that I'm here for you.

We all need to hear that the other person thinks were sexy, or smart, or funny, or kind or caring or whatever and I'm not doing enough of that. because you are all those things and so much more.

It's going to take baby steps to get us back to where we were, I want you to find that spark and joy in life again and I want you to know that I'm by your side loving you every step of the way

Love,

Your wife

Til next time…take the time to tell someone WHY you love them

Polar opposites

All right, I think I might be temporarily afflicted with bi polar disorder.

I go from high to low in about 2 minutes these days. And i don't mean to make light of anyone with bi polar disorder, because that would not be fun.

Brutal sleep last night. Fell asleep in about 2 minutes, out for probably 15, then jolted awake. Decided after laying there for a while that I needed to go pee, I just about hit the bathroom, when "Mommy, Daddy, mommy, Daddy started up. I'm not actually sure if there even was a "mommy", I remember hearing daddy and then scooping her into my arms.

There was a frog in her room she said. Of course there wasn't, but just the same when you're 4 a bad dream seems very real. She clung to me for what seemed forever before she decided on a pee and a drink. 

We snuggled for another good 10 minutes, with her nearly dozing off before I suggested she get tucked back in. I laid in bed with her for a while too, she didn't need it but I did.

She's been neglected far too much this last while. And I'm feeling guilty. Both Big C and I yelled at her last night, nothing really that was her fault, just that she wasn't paying attention more so than anything. And it sucked, I've got such a heavy heart to start with and then this.

Did not sleep well at all. Big C did though, which was kind of refreshing for him. Woke up and pretty much started to hold back the tears right from the word go. Cried most of my walk and yelled at the dog, then breakfast and getting ready time went pretty well and I only cried a little bit on the way to work instead of the usual sob fest.

The morning so far has gone ok, but who knows what the afternoon will bring.

So happy and so sad all at the same time. Our renovations are getting underway, not that they weren't underway, but now we have people who really know what they're doing in there doing their thing. So that is pretty cool, but very tiring trying to get all the stuff they need to work with.

The weight of the worry consuming me for the last couple of weeks is now gone, and even Big C seems a little less burdened with the extra transparency.

I remain hopeful all will turn out well, but at the same time have so many questions left without answers.

I get mad at myself, pissed off at Big C for shutting me out so long and so on, mad at little stupid things, angry that I was right about there being something troubling Big C and not doing anything about it.

I wonder how long it will be before Miss K notices that daddy isn't giving me kisses these days, or when folks will notice he's not wearing his wedding ring. Which is another thing that makes me angry, but I also know he doesn't wear it when golfing, renovating, anything to do with water which has been happening a lot lately, but still…it's not like we're separated or anything

I am happy that he is going to go on his solo shopping trip next week, I think he needs it…a lot. But I'm sad that even if I had vacation and we could all go together, I don't think he'd want me. I don't think he'll even particularly miss me, which hurts so much

We've been through a lot of tough things together, keep praying that we come out on the other side of this one ok

Til next time…life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful

Roller coaster days

Another day another roller coaster of emotion.

Very rocky start this morning, lots of hurt and anger not to mention the seemingly endless supply of tears that seem to flow.

We had a crazy night last night. The framer and electrician were there when Miss K and I arrived home. That went well, but left us having a later supper and with a big list of supplies that we needed to get by Wednesday.

Big C asked right away though after they left how my day was. I said pretty up and down, he said he was the same and it was reflected in his golf game. 

We ate and then headed off to the local big box home improvement store which is now Miss K's favourite place due to the driving carts. Oh well whatever spins your wheels right?

On the way over we both commented on the crazy change of events in our evening. I said that the saying goes that "god only gives you what you can handle" and that I'd had just about enough.

Big C agreed fully and we actually held hands for awhile in the truck. There was a big hug last night before bed and that was nice too.

That big weight was lifted and we're both trying to work toward the same goal. Miss K is motivation enough, I cannot have our life be a statistic, and her living with only one of us if I can help it.

This morning though I was frustrated and hurt all over again. Asking questions, like why did Big C shut me out so long. Why couldn't he confide in me before now. Why did he push me away when I did try to ask? Why could he talk to someone else about us, but not to me?

I was also pissed at myself. I should have asked/pushed more when I did see something was wrong. Why did I fail him in that department, why didn't I push instead of passing it off for something else? Why didn't I help him out so he wasn't so tormented and stressed?

Yup, lots of frustration, bitterness and sadness today, but working through day by day. 

Big C got the official word today that he's taking on a provincial coordinator role for 3 months or so. It sucks because he's not going to be around as much, but good for him and a new challenge too.

Struggling at times to be optimistic, keep seeing the worst case scenario, but knowing that we promised each other that we'd try and that we will

Til next time…hope your day hasn't been a roller coaster...

Where do we go from here?

It's Monday and it's been an eventful weekend. We got about 2 tons worth of stuff out of our upstairs for the renovation, another big change over 2+ days. 

Big C filled up the bin in a hurry with all the carpet, wood and such. The lathe and plaster was the worst, poor guy worked until he was black with dust on Saturday. I know he was so sore and achy, he could have just went to be about 6pm Saturday night I think.

I tried to chip in as best I could, we had a high school girl come over on Saturday afternoon as a potential babysitter for Kaitlyn, they played well together so hopefully someone else to count on in the future when we need assistance, plus I got some work done on the renovation.

Miss K and I went to a baby shower. OK as baby showers go I guess, snacks and cake were good, so I suppose that is all that really matters isn't it.

There was the usual errands and stuff too, laundry, cleaning, all that domestic sort of thing.

Then there was the big revelation. Big C isn't in love with me anymore. He loves me, but isn't in love.

I had went upstairs to bed last night, but wanting to check something and also sensing something was really wrong I went back downstairs. 

Big C hasn't kissed me in weeks, or should I say kissed me in an intimate way. I gave him a smooch on the cheek and told him to have a good night.

I don't remember what he said next but it turned into a very long and very tearful conversation. 

He's hurting so much right now its tearing me apart. He is struggling within himself and can't find the right answers he says. He is missing "us" but he said he is missing himself, he feels so empty inside and is suffering greatly because of it.

I lost count of how many times he said sorry, he knows how much he's hurting me and that i'm taking the brunt of his suffering.

It's a big weight off my shoulders, not what I wanted to hear, but a weight lifted nonetheless. I take some comfort knowing what is going on, knowing that he's aware there is a problem and that he is talking to someone.

He wants to get us back he says. I hope so too. I've never stopped loving him, ever. He's my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my lover, my kid's favourite person in the whole wide world. 

I hate to see him hurt so much. He wants to get himself together and then we can work on us he says. I'm game. I will give him the patience and time he needs and whatever the result, good or bad we'll figure it out

I'm heartbroken for both of us, praying for strength to carry forward and believe that there are better days ahead.

I love you Big C, so much, so, so much…from the bottom of my heart I hope you feel like your old self soon…

Til next time…hug someone that you love