Monday 29 September 2014

We've got 7, do I hear 8?

Another fall day that feels like summer. Honestly one of the best summer weekends we had was this past one and it was really in Autumn. 26°C each day and sunny, coolish at night so no A/C required, how could you ask for anything more?

Miss K begged to wear her bathing suit and play in the water one more time on Saturday and I couldn't say no. We washed one of the cars and she played in the hose and it really couldn't get much better than that. Even the dog had fun with the water.

Big C not quite as happy as we were as it was opening day of duck hunting season. Shorts weather is not exactly ideal for ducks or shooting them anyway. But they did manage to rid the world of a few more geese so not all was lost on the day for them.

Today is anniversary #7 for us. Married 7 years, who woulda thunk it? Seems the wedding wasn't that long ago, but instead we're on our second dog, our kid is in school and the marriage itself is well, I don't even know what to say it is these days.

I would not say shaky ground. That seems to imply that someone is threatening to leave or there are fights and unkind words being said a lot. That isn't the case.

But that security blanket isn't there anymore either. It's been pulled off and now we stand there kind of exposed and naked to all that marriage has in store for us.

Somedays I wonder if we'll see 8 years of marriage and others I wonder what we'll be doing when we're married 25 years.

I don't feel particularly comfortable these days. Not awkward or unloved, just not very secure it what is going on and happening.

One day there's lots of hugs and genuine affection, the next I feel its pretty much a one way street, as in I'm giving lots, but not getting in return.

Not that I expect to get everything back. I'm not a tit for tat type of person when it comes to that stuff, just that there's a pretty hollow feeling inside when there's no feeling from the other person.

Big C isn't cold or standoffish, its something I can't put my finger on, more like he'd just rather not touch me or be near me, like he's so wrapped up in himself, that everything else ceases to exist.

Today is a day I could really use a hug. Sure Miss K gave me a couple this morning and no doubt there are more to come later today. However, this is a need for a big wrap you in some big strong arms and feel comforted hug.

But, my guy is in the big city until Wednesday and some days I'm not even sure that he'd want to give me a hug like that, because it would imply feeling that he perhaps doesn't have.

I hope that my flower delivery gets to him and that it brightens his day, just knowing those two things would sure brighten my day


Til next time…I hope everyone's day is brightened, either by the sun, someone's kind words or whatever puts a smile on your face...

Wednesday 24 September 2014

Don't worry, be happy

The positive challenge has been tough the last little bit.

I'm struggling to keep things light and focus on the good…the negative stuff keeps popping in, most of  it minor, but it's sticking its ugly head into things and giving me a struggle

On the plus side there is the fact that Miss K, the dog and I have been kicking it on our own. I've been very patient and understanding with Miss K for the most part and that is helping things roll smoothly in solo parenting mode.

Miss K is starting to get that whining will get you nowhere, or in her case it will get you a trip to your room. And she is figuring out that we're not tolerating yelling in the house as that will get you a trip to the kitchen table to put your head down.

Big C and I had a good date night on the weekend. It gave me hope for the future that there would be more date nights and hope that the drama would cease from Miss K about us going out without her.

The weather is rocking it for early fall, cool to start but we're hitting near summer highs by days end which is awesome.

Lots of good things and I really do try to keep things on the positive side, so in that respect I'm keeping my end of the deal with the positive challenge.

But there's lots of confusion, hurt, worry and lack of understanding clouding the positive sky these days.

I'm so frustrated with Big C. One day very loving and cheerful, the next he won't even acknowledge that I'm in the room. 

The lack of understanding on how he can be nearly like his old self one day and distant and insensitive the next. I wonder sometimes if he really wants to try to make us work. I know he struggles, but some part of me wants to shout at him "wake up you miserable s.o.b. and realize what the hell you've got"

He is more caring and compassionate with just about everyone else but me, except I know on the other hand he'd be devastated if anything serious happened to me.

I don't understand his expectations. I feel somedays like we can't live up to them. That's all of us, myself, Miss K and the dog. He expects great things which is good, but is crushed or cranky when the expectation isn't met.

You ask about his day, you take an interest in his life, you compliment him or say how much you appreciate him and it seems to fall on deaf ears. And you sure as hell don't expect any of that in return.

It causes a lot of confusion, the up and down, push/pull, roller coaster, not really being sure where it is  you stand. Like there is some hidden agenda and if you don't attend all the meetings you get fired.

I will stick it out, it's still more good than bad and nobody ever said marriage was easy, I just wish right now it wasn't so damn hard…


Til next time…enjoy the sun if you live around these parts…it's great!!

Thursday 18 September 2014

Staying positive, even when everything else isn't

I made a pledge a couple weeks ago to be positive.

Not ever lasting always the glass is half full eternal optimist positive, but really an effort to focus more on the good things, then on the not so good. 

It's easy to complain, but much tougher to notice the good things when the bad seems to stick out so much. It's easier to say that it's too cold and dark in the mornings now when you take the dog for a walk than to say you enjoy watching the sunrise or how the dog seems to love the cooler temps.

I read a blog pretty regularly called "Not your Average Mom". She's not average, she's got 7 kids, financial troubles, marital troubles and other issues that would put most of us in the nut house for good, but she offers some valid and humorous anecdotes on life and its struggles.

There was talk of being positive for one week, but she wanted it to be a much loftier goal for people and have it be a year. A year to change your thinking and a year to recognize the good in your life.

I thought I could do that. I'm not a hugely negative person, more of a realist and with a streak of sarcasm that puts a taint on things from time to time. But not really a Debby Downer, still I knew there was room for improvement.

Room to grow and be more grateful for what I had than what I didn't or what I thought was wrong.

A keep your chin up attitude despite all the shit going on with the renovation and Big C.

Today is a tough day. Today is a day that I'm having trouble seeing the plus side of things, today I'm doubting lots in the world. Today I'm looking for some help from a higher power on how I can be stronger and more understanding.

Big C was home from the day job for 2 nights. It was pretty good, his birthday was yesterday and we had meet the teacher BBQ on Tuesday. Pretty fun overall and Miss K had a blast. 

Things were nice with Big C and I, not normal, but a little less uncomfortable than they had been. I see he's trying and I'm doing my best to be patient with him.

But, there's breaks in his good cheer. There's this temper that comes out of nowhere. and typically for some stupid reason. He's not violent by any means, but I think sometimes he surprises himself with how quickly he flies off the handle.

Miss K will be just being a typical 4 year old girl and some days he cannot handle the drama, or I will disagree with him on something and that is cause for sharp words. Even the dog doesn't stand a chance sometimes, all he wants is to play and he gets yelled at.

I worry that he's going to really hurt himself physically with the outbursts. He's going to have high blood pressure, or a heart attack or stroke if he doesn't watch it. It's part of his temperament in general, he's always had a short lived and fiery temper, but it concerns me that it pops up more often.

Today he left without so much as  a goodbye, I thought he was coming back in the house, but next I knew he was driving down the lane. I think some of it was that he doesn't want long goodbyes with me and Miss K as they make him sad, but still….

Then, he calls me to say he's in safe and sound. Always the good husband to call so that I don't worry he's stuck on a highway somewhere.

I guess its the dichotomy that i can't stand. One moment the guy I fell in love with and the next someone that is kind of like that guy but with some part of him that is broken or not set quite right.

The hot and cold, up and down tears away at you. I try to be upbeat, I find tons of positive stuff every day, but there are days like today that kind of beat you down. Your heart hurts so much and the person you most want to talk to or cuddle up with is the one that doesn't really want to be with you.


Til next time, I'm looking for the silver lining for today

Monday 15 September 2014

Fall weekends and proud mom moments

Another Monday.

Feels a lot like fall out there these days. Sucks because that means winter is right around the corner and considering we didn't have much of a summer, that sucks even more.

But I like fall, cool nights, warmish days, usually not too much rain, a pleasant time of year.

It was a crazy weekend, well maybe not crazy, but busy for sure.

We had a couple more surprises with the renovation project, nothing hugely expensive thank God, but time consuming as we had to drywall the entire ceiling in Miss K's new room or risk the plaster falling in sometime down the road.

Miss K was excited to go shoe shopping on Sunday. She mostly wanted to go to Home Depot due to there being driving carts there, but thought the prospect of new shoes for her sounded pretty good too. 

So 300 bucks later we were done shopping. New shoes and winter boots for her. New frying pans for us and a few things at Costco and it still ended up being an expensive weekend.

At least the renovation budget isn't taking a 1000 dollar hit every week now. We've got the taper/mudder guy to pay and the balance of the flooring to come due. And of course paint, closet organizers and accessories to go yet, but the big stuff is done.

I had a very proud mom moment on Sunday too. I'm always proud of Miss K but Sunday was a really good day.

We were out at a local store and they had one of those swinging bar contraptions as you enter the store. The kind where if you don't hold it for the next person it swings back and catches them in the nards, or in Miss K's case square on the chin.

So Big C went through, then Miss K, then me, she held the bar while I went through and proceeded to hold it for the 2 people that came in the store behind me.

We didn't ask that she hold it, she just did. And that made me swell with pride, that we'd done a good enough job in raising her that even at 4 years old she was conscious of other people around her and made good social etiquette decisions

It was like the day we were at a dog trial and an older gentleman asked if he might have one of the potato chips that she was eating. She jumped up off her seat and went over and gave him one, I think he was so shocked that she did he just stood there and looked at her for few seconds before saying thank you.

It's moments like those that make you think that maybe you really are instilling the right values and manners in your kid, or perhaps its more nature than nurture?? Who knows for sure, but she's one hell of a kid somedays.

She's been in school a total of 9 full days and already has 2 full songs memorized, has an "award" from her teacher that she knows all her uppercase letters and has just about all the kids in the classroom name's memorized.

It wasn't a bad weekend for Big C and I, not super, but not bad either. He was a little crusty/cranky to start with, but by Sunday he was pretty good and seemed in good spirits. Just remaining hopeful that he's getting his crap together a little bit more.

Only time will tell on that front, til then we just have to keep taking it day by day…never sure what the future brings, but that is life I guess


Til next time…has your kid done something to make you proud lately

Wednesday 10 September 2014

Life Principles

I've been thinking a lot lately about my principles and what is important to me. 

Mostly because of the rocky road Big C and I are travelling right now, but also because of Miss K starting school, our move and a host of other influencers.

One of my big ones is practice what you preach or in my case actions speak louder than words.

I've never been one for preaching anything. I don't like to extoll my virtues or my faults to anyone at any time. And I place little faith in people's words unless they back 'em up with suitable actions.

That's one of my big life principles, don't just say it, do it, or live it whatever the case may be.

Follow through on what you say if you say anything at all or just lead by example.

Life has taught me that quite often words are just that, words. People don't back them up, or they say things because they think its what you want to hear.

I'm not bitter or cynical. Yes, I've been burned sometimes but not so much as to be scarred by it. 

Truthfully, I like to believe that people are going to follow through on what they say and have learned over the years to surround myself with people who actually do follow through and live up to their values and morals.

I guess where i'm coming from is that words are easy to say. A person can easily say "I love you" or I support you, or I will do that for you or any number of hollow promises because its easy to say. 

I can walk up to a complete stranger and tell them that I love them, but is there anything to back it up, any actions/proof/follow through on my words? Likely not.

I prefer to not say as much and live my feelings, live my morals and keep my integrity rather than dish out a bunch of false promises.

I tend to do the things that show how I feel, not say how I feel. 

It lands me in some trouble from time to time, because there are times that words do need to be said, but I still feel it's just words, unless I'm doing something to follow through on my words then they're just hollow empty shells of feelings I don't have.

I do love Big C. I love him with all my heart and soul. He is one of the best things that ever happened in my life, next to Miss K, but without him, that wouldn't have happened either.

It's for these 2 people in my life that I am even more incensed to live by this principle. They deserve nothing less.

With Big C starting his new temporary position that will take him away from home even more it is really hard to spend a ton of quality time with Miss K. There's supper to make, clean up, the dog, the every day household chores etc…but I'm going to make sure that she knows that she matters. 

It might just be taking 5 minutes to sit with her and watch TV and have a snack before starting supper,  it might be helping her with a craft, I don't know what it will be but I'm going to do it, she matters and she deserves to know that she matters.

Its the same with Big C. Perhaps my words and actions aren't really hitting home with him right now, but I'm still going to keep plugging away. I won't sacrifice my health or well being, but will do all in my power to make him feel loved and supported.

I want to lead by example, be strong and caring and genuine. 

It's always been a driving force in my life, hopefully it's enough


Til next time, think about the things that are most important in your personality

Tuesday 9 September 2014

4 school days, 1 funeral and some glimpses of hope

We've made it through 4 days of JK. All Miss K does is talk about school. It does not however mean that she wants to go to school.

Today was a battle to get her in a good enough mood to even eat her breakfast. She was having no part of school today, was scared, nervous, tired, didn't want to go, didn't like it, you name it, she was bound and determined that she was not going to school.

We told her we were tired, didn't really like work and didn't want to leave home on a Monday morning either. This actually seemed to placate her a bit, but I have a feeling it could be a really long week ahead.

She will be ok, I know she will, its going to take some time though. There are other kids I'm sure having more of a rough go than her, but it sucks pushing her to do something that she's so fretful about.

The weekend was pretty good, weather was coolish, but sunny for the most part and we had Big C's dad and lady friend to visit which was good too. 

The weekend started off with a funeral on Friday afternoon. One of my best friends mom's passed away after a determined battle with cancer. Sad, but you could almost see the relief on the family's faces that the battle was finally over as it got pretty ugly near the end.

I will miss her. She was a special lady. Different in some ways that any one that I've ever known, like  a mom you wish you had picked if there was such a thing as a shopping mall for mom's. 

I know her husband will be lost, they've been married 43 years. They did most everything together, from raising a family, to running a business to travelling, touring and socializing, you didn't very often see one with out the other.

Big C didn't know her as well as I did, but I know it was his own private hell that day too. She was young and gone too soon, just like his mom 7 years ago. It sucks on so many levels but death is part of life and you soldier on.

It was nice that they had a ministerial friend do the service. So much better than some priest or chaplain reading from cue cards, this guy could actually speak from the heart and mind a bit and reflect on her true character and that made the service so much more warm and less solemn.

It was an ok weekend for Big C and I. Not super, but I've decided to take the positive challenge, and keep things in perspective. I hope that by keeping things upbeat and not dwelling on the crap that is in our lives right now, maybe I can really be the change that I want to see for our family.

Big C is trying. I can see it, he has lapses, but he's truly making an effort and for that I'm glad. I miss the tenderness and physical touch that so cemented our relationship, but I have faith it will come, in time it will come again.

Whatever the outcome at the end of all of this, I want him to be happy with himself and within himself. He's too special a person not to be all he can be.

Til next time…keep your chin up and your thoughts positive


Wednesday 3 September 2014

The new normal

One day down, about 20 more years to go.

Miss K's first day of school ever was yesterday. I think I feel a little less like I'm going to throw up today, but not much better.

It was OK overall. Really it was, I think other that being very nervous and overwhelmed by everything, she did have a good time at school.

She was positively bouncing when we went to pick her up, so I figure that is a good thing, but that she is going to crash hard at some point this week and it could be ugly.

She was excited about her teacher, thought recess and outside time was very cool but didn't really want to go back today. 

On the flip side she was pretty good this morning, much better than me. 

I'm still paranoid that I will forget something really vital to send with her. Yesterday it rained and it dawned on me there was no jacket or umbrella for her. We felt bad.

We're used to her being at the sitter and if push comes to shove, she can wear someone else's clothes or coat or whatever if needed. If you forget something for school, you're screwed.

There were lots of tears yesterday. Lots from Miss K and lots from Big C and myself. Pretty ugly all around, we held it together pretty good for the sake of Miss K, but after that we were a mess.

I felt like I was going to barf most of the day and I'm not sure what Big C was feeling, but overall it wasn't good either.

It will get better and become the new normal, but it still sucks. 

I hate having to pack a lunch for her. She's a slow eater and that isn't going to help her when everyone else is going out to play and she's still trying to finish her sandwich. I'm already running out of ideas for lunches, I just don't know what else to pack for her that she will actually want to eat.

Then there was the homework for Big C and I last night, we must have spent 40 minutes reading through and sorting out forms and things. All of it necessary, but overwhelming and tiresome.

I'm not ready for the new normal yet, I know I'm not. There's just so much going on, you wonder how much more you can take.

Big C and I are OK, not great but OK. There's glimpse's of the old Big C, but still so much of the troubled and tormented guy that every day brings its challenges.

I keep asking for patience and taking every day step by step, I used to think I knew what the future would bring, but now I'm not so sure.

I guess it's be thankful for the here and now and pray for smoother waters to come


Til next time…hope your back to school experience has been ok