Wednesday 25 February 2015

The fine line between compassion and crazy

I'm starting to determine that the line between compassion and crazy is a fine one. Very fine, razor thin if you ask me. The line between being a caring and compassionate parent and one who is completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs is a tricky one indeed.

Miss K is going to split me in two. I know I'm doomed to fail, its inevitable.

In the last 2 weeks there has not been one night, not a single one, that she has not been up in the middle of the night about something numerous times.

They applaud you when you have a baby that is 3 months old and they sleep through the night, no one says anything when you have an almost 5 year old  that does not.

Once a night to go pee, or get a drink or something of that nature is fine. We're usually getting up anyway. And there is always the bad dreams, she has a least one nightmare per week. The screams in the night would peel paint off the walls in most places they're so horrifying.

But she's wearing me down with the other stuff. The shrill cries of "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy Daddy" awaken you and you fly to her room thinking there is something urgent, but it's "I'm too hot, I can't find my blanket/duck/sock etc… that greet you. Seriously?

But the worst is the crying for no reason. Let's take for example that she has been up for a very valid reason. She's had a cold/ear infection so sometimes needs a drink or top up of meds mid sleep. No problem, I've got enough compassion that I see where she's coming from.

Then you tuck her back in bed, and are no sooner settled when the whimpering starts, if you let it go on long enough it becomes a full on cry with real tears.

You go in and ask what is wrong. No answer. Does something hurt? No answer. Why are you crying? No answer. Do you need something? Nothing. Just a wide eyed stare and a trembling lip. Are you scared? No response. Why didn't you do like we asked and try to go back to sleep? Still nothing.

We do pretty good until about 3 or 4 in the morning then all the b.s. starts. I say b.s. because a big part of me feels she's playing us. 

I think she's gotten into a habit, and its a pattern she can't break out of. She may very well be awake at 3 am and having a tough time going back to sleep, but I am not going to get up and entertain her. You lay in your bed and be quiet…that is all I ask, just be quiet. You don't have to sleep, you can sing quietly to yourself or whatever soothes you. If she was a little older I would suggest she read for a while.

But for the love of God, please stop crying and whimpering. You are killing both myself and your dad there Miss K.

LIke some brutal separation anxiety you've taken into your soul and cannot let go. I feel so horribly bad for her and sympathize with sleepless nights. And even part of me wonders if there is not something else going on in that little pea brain of hers….but she says there's nothing wrong that she can think of…other than she can't fucking sleep. (my words, not hers)

All I ask is one night that I can get 7 hours of sleep….just one, because in the last 2 weeks I'm averaging about 6 hours a night…and I'm going to bed at 9:30 or 10, so that should tell you something.

At least Big C is around now….not on the road so much so we get to take turns getting up to see which "wolf" Miss K is crying about now. Not that you get to sleep any more, but at least you get to stay in bed.

Both of us lost it on Saturday morning, we got mad at her. Which we knew was the wrong thing to do, because she was upset to start with. But the idiocy of it all got to us. She's really really tired, but yet she cannot get to sleep, there's nothing wrong, yet she cries uncontrollably. 

It's enough to drive you to drink, or seriously consider drugging your kid so they will just sleep til a reasonable hour. Even if you do crawl in bed with her or take her into your own bed, she still wakes up at ungodly hours, so its not just a comfort thing.

If she would just say that she needs to snuggle or that she's scared of the dark, or being alone or something. It's the silence that bothers me the most, not knowing what is going on in her head.

I would think that its a night time thing only, except she does it in the afternoon too. On weekends when its been a particularly rough night we insist on a nap, both for our own sakes and hers. And she pulls the same shit then too, whiny, snivelling, half cry, half sigh crap that drives you crazy  in a hurry.

We're going on vacation in few days. Hoping that breaks the cycle…severs the tie and we start over from scratch.

She's always been an excellent sleeper, and we've always laughed that even at almost 5 she still calls out for us when she needs to go get a drink or have a pee. 

You second guess yourself, thinking that perhaps there was a way we could have instilled more independence in her. She's fully capable of middle of the night trips to the washroom but yet she doesn't do it.

Why now? Why can she not get it through her head that she is fine and we're right down the hall? Why this strange attachment and anxiety?

She is fiercely independent in so many things, but cannot seem to get by this one right now.

I say right now as i know that it is only a stage and we'll get through it. At least I think we will…the fleeting thoughts of holding pillow over her head or mine are getting more frequent…I'm just kidding for all those busy bodies who think I would even think about seriously harming my child…

I pray we figure out what is going on with her and I pray for more sleep…

Til next time…sweet dreams


p.s. we had a night last night with no wake ups…things are looking up, or at least a little more restful

Tuesday 3 February 2015

Snow, life skills and making the most of winter

Depending on which ground hog you believe in, we could either have spring in a few weeks, or have a lot more winter. I'm going to go with the latter.

We got a dumping of snow yesterday, more in the forecast and no sign of any temperature above zero. 25 more days and we're heading out to our vacation. With any luck we might be on the friendlier side of winter when we get back.

The cold I can always do without. But we did make the most of the winter over the weekend. My girl totally kicked it skiing on Saturday and we braved some high winds and snow on Sunday for some sledding (or tobogganing if you're old school).

Miss K was super keen on the ski thing, not sure at first if it was because of the promise of going out for supper after, but after a few runs she totally got into the groove and loved it. She still doesn't have the best speed control but aside from that she did awesome, really really good compared to last year. 
We went last February and I think did about 8 runs over the course of 2 hours. She whined and complained and lots of 3 years old going on 4 drama.

This Saturday was different, yes, she did have a bit of melt down after she had a good face plant wipe out, but aside from that she was all smiles and eagerness. There was even a few " I want to go skiing tomorrow" comments, which was great to hear.

Not that we're going to insist that she ski all winter or even that she keep with it, just that she was really really happy doing it. 

I or I should say we only insist that she take swimming lessons until she's competent in the water, other than that I don't care if she takes a gymnastics/dance/water polo/golf/ski/baton/piano/basket weaving lesson in her entire life. 

Neither Big C or I will be that "pressure parent" that has their kid overbooked every week in a dozen activities. Childhood is too short and a kid should be able to follow their loves and have time to play. Just play, not structured organized play either, just grab some sticks and dirt, or scissors glue and paper and do what comes naturally to them.

I'm not going to say that Miss K will never take a class or be "in" something, but all in good time I say. 
Swimming to us is a life skill, we're outdoorsy type folks and much of our spare time revolves around water in some form and Miss K will be able at some point to swim competently. No need for olympic level swim team, just adequate swimming skills to be able to survive if in water over your head so to speak

But it was encouraging to hear her say how happy she was to ski. Big C and I both love it and its one thing that makes winter tolerable. If Miss K were to love it too, I could see many a weekend afternoon cruising the hills and riding the chair lifts with my two greatest loves in tow.

Winter is here and it's snowy, might as well make the most of it before its gone, which as I mentioned I'm hoping it is soon after we get back from vacation. There are too many snow days and bus cancellations for the kids anymore. We've had 4 or 5 days of bus cancellations already this year…out of 20 possible instructional days so far fully 1/5th to 1/4 of them have been compromised by a lack of bus students or all out school closures. I realize you can't control mother nature, but when the sun is shining and its clear by 9:30 in the morning, would getting the kids to school a bit late be such a bad thing?

I'm all for safety and such, but I sometimes think we've crossed the line and become a nation of fear mongers and scared nelly's that 4 snowflakes constitutes a state of emergency. There's a lot of b.s. as far as I'm concerned, but I'm not going to fight the system, I don't have the time or the energy. Just don't bitch to me when little Johnny still can't read when he's in Grade 4. (not that I'm saying snow days are the sole cause of this either)

I did have the guilty pleasure of clearing snow with the ATV yesterday. It's still a pain in the ass, especially when you have to get up at 5 in the morning to do it, but way more fun than shovelling for sure. Less tiring and more satisfying to push a big pile of snow out of the way in 30 seconds, knowing it would have taken you 10 minutes to do the same with a shovel.

I need the exercise this is true, but our driveway is a heart attack waiting to happen if you know what I mean. We're talking 4 hours of snow blowing at a minimum, so I wouldn't even want to think what shovelling would take

Hmmm, the dog took me out at the knees on the weekend. I zigged, he zagged and his butt landed square behind my knees and I went down hard. Really, really hard, so bad I needed a minute to lie there and evaluate the situation before I got my ass up. Speaking of my ass and back, its still really sore, sitting is a killer as everything stiffens up. It's getting better, but I'm glad I'm not 20 years older, I probably would have broken a hip


Winter carries on and so does life, til next time…make the most of the snow if you have it