The sad end is near - my puppy dog is going to make her final retrieve

The day I've dreaded is coming soon. This Friday we will have to put our beloved Mudpuppy down. Off to the great retriever training ground in the sky.

I didn't want to go on the business trip. A gut feeling, mother's instinct, call it what you will, but I knew I didn't want to go, I knew our girl would have a seizure while we were gone. 

Don't get me wrong it was a good trip. Big C and Miss K came with me, I even had a couple day's vacation after the conference to check out Phoenix with them. (definitely putting it on the places to go when we retire). We had fun, but i couldn't stop thinking about my fur kid.

I'd hoped that the look in her eye was because she'd been napping when we came to pick her up. I hoped that the super dose of anti epileptic drugs was going to help. I hoped and hoped and hoped. 

But, there was always that nagging feeling that it wasn't going to be better, that we weren't going to see any improvement, that all the hope in the world wasn't going to make it better.

Sadly, my gut instinct was right. Our Mudpuppy had a seizure at my mom's place early the day we came home. They didn't really know how long it was, but I could tell from the look in her big brown eyes that it lasted a while and she was still feeling the effects.

Damn, damn, damn, poor thing, physically she was pretty good this time through, but more and more she sort of had that look in her eye that she wondered what the hell just happened.

I know you can say it's just a dog and they don't know or that they don't feel things, but she knows something is up. She's developed some more staring off into space, eye tics and other out of character behaviour. Whether its the drugs or the residual effects of the seizures we'll never know, but we're starting to lose little pieces of her. The casual observer would still see her as the easy going good natured puppy dog that she is, but we're seeing a difference.

Big C was taking a break from cutting the grass on Sunday when he said to me, "I think it's time isn't it?" Sadly, we were thinking along the same lines. 

The drugs are doing nothing, the seizures are getting more frequent and severe and she's losing the ability to bounce back quickly. How long before we lose the dog we love? Will a seizure be fatal? Will it incapacitate her to a degree we have to put her down? Will there be a dramatic change in personality, like aggressive behaviour? How much good time would we have with her?

We agree with the vet's thinking, that this definitely isn't an epilepsy issue, the drugs should at least minimize the severity if it was. This is something else entirely. Something that is hurting/changing my girl and I want to give her some peace from it all.

Part of me doesn't want to of course. I want to have her in our lives, i want her sloppy kisses and loud snoring as part of our household. I want her to follow me to the ends of the yard and house just because she's curious what I'm doing. I want to run more trials with her, travel with her more, go on more walks, train more and so on, but it's not to be.

The reality is, this is starting to get to her, she's hurting in her own way, and she can't be the dog she used to be and we can't be the owners we used to be. 

I'm constantly listening for her footsteps at night that might indicate an oncoming attack. Fearful that when I come home, that she will have had a seizure while we're gone or have died without someone there to hold her. 

We need her to go to live with God before the seizures take any more of her away. We need to remember her the way that she is right now, not a former shadow of herself. We need Miss K. to see her as healthy and happy, not hurting and sad.

Speaking of Miss K., that is another dilemma, how to explain all of this to an almost 3 year old. Our babysitter's neighbour died suddenly this past weekend, it was someone that Miss K. saw almost daily. We've explained that she died and has gone to heaven to live with God, but not sure if she's going to get that with the mudpuppy's demise.

She knows that the Mud pup isn't feeling good, and that mom and dad are very sad. Big C and her had a talk last night, about our dog not coming back home, that she was going to go to a place where she didn't hurt anymore and could do all the things that she loved to do. But dying would mean not seeing her any more, she would never come home when she went to live with God. I think she's starting to grasp it, but on the other hand maybe at 3 she doesn't really need to understand either.

We will deal with it as best we can, more tears everyday and spending as much quality time with the puppy dog as we can, doing all the things that she loves to do. 

More to come, I need this to cope…til next time

Keeping your head up, when all you feel is down

I've spent most of the day near tears. I have no idea how people do it. How do people get through the day when their kids are really really sick? It could be sick at home or sick in the hospital, it doesn't matter, I just don't know how they do it.

Miss K. is fine I might add. She's a picture of health really, some traumatic hang nails and bumps and bruises but otherwise ok.

No, it's my fur kid that's got me all worked up and on an emotional roller coaster these days. Sometimes, I'm hopeful, others the despair and worry overcomes rational thought.

I laid there in bed last night, the fan blowing because we've had a recent warm spell in our parts and the big guy likes to be cool. I'd been awake for an hour, defeating the purpose of going to bed early, panicking because I didn't think I'd be able to hear the dog or the kid if something was wrong.

Irrational worry, I know I can hear them, as the fan is not of 747 caliber, but still, it must be a mom thing? Just the fears associated with having a dog with epilepsy I guess.

We had the mudpuppy on medication for almost a month, she was tolerating it well, some subtle differences, but nothing really noteworthy. Then came Saturday night. 

I awoke out of a dead sleep, about 12:30, the dog yelping in her kennel. Crap I thought she must have to pee really bad, we've been having some warm weather as mentioned and we've been getting back into doing some training so she's been drinking a ton. I let her out, she seemed off, but I thought I'd run and have a pee too while she was out.

Then I heard the thunk…she tends to be a bit of a thunder foot, but this was different, she wasn't just coming back up on the deck. I went to the back door and was sure I could hear paddling and heavy breathing. Shit, here we go, I ran back to the bedroom and got big C out of bed. 

It was bad, so very very bad. About 15 minutes worth of seizing. My poor fur kid, I know they say they don't feel anything, but lord it seemed forever. 

Recovery time was typical. Partial blindness, stumbling, pacing, extreme hunger and thirst. For whatever reason, she responds better to me after an episode. Maybe the tone of my voice, maybe that I've been there for more of her seizures than Big C has, I don't know.

After an hour or so, I typically go back to bed, for some reason that seems to calm her down. Mom's in bed, so I might as well go too I suppose is what she thinks. Though she never strays too far from us after a seizure.

Our vet was perplexed. The meds should have made the seizure shorter, not worse. Were they not working, did she metabolize too much of it and it's effects wore off? Would this be a sign of things to come? Would everything just get worse despite the drugs? Oh, why was this happening, things were supposed to be better.

It wasn't that we figured she'd never have another seizure. We just hoped for less of them and shorter duration. It's one of the most scary things I've ever had to deal with. And I am thankful every single day that it's not Miss K going thru this.

Big C taking this one hard. He's hurting big time and I can't even tell him it will get better, because the reality is that it might not. I'm really struggling this time too, she's still having more good days than bad, but how long before one of these short circuits something vital and we're left with a shadow of the dog we knew. How long before we have to make the decision to give her some rest from all of this? How long do you keep fighting before….

It's awful. In my heart I know its just a dog, it's not my kid or someone close to me. But in so many ways she's not "just a dog". She's the black shadow that follows me everywhere. She's the licky dog that sends my kid into fits of giggles every time she licks her. She's the retriever that is so keyed up on her "natural instinct" she shakes with excitement at even a hint of getting to "fetch" something. She's the 75lb lap dog wannabe, who will practically sit on top of you when you are laying on the floor. She's put paw prints on all of our hearts and its hard to call her "just a dog"

So we soldier on. We've upped her medication, hopefully with some sort of success or progress. We'll appreciate every good day and try to rebound from the bad.

Til next time…hug those close to you, whether your own kids or the fur kids...