I'm starting to determine that the line between compassion and crazy is a fine one. Very fine, razor thin if you ask me. The line between being a caring and compassionate parent and one who is completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs is a tricky one indeed.
Miss K is going to split me in two. I know I'm doomed to fail, its inevitable.
In the last 2 weeks there has not been one night, not a single one, that she has not been up in the middle of the night about something numerous times.
They applaud you when you have a baby that is 3 months old and they sleep through the night, no one says anything when you have an almost 5 year old that does not.
Once a night to go pee, or get a drink or something of that nature is fine. We're usually getting up anyway. And there is always the bad dreams, she has a least one nightmare per week. The screams in the night would peel paint off the walls in most places they're so horrifying.
But she's wearing me down with the other stuff. The shrill cries of "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy Daddy" awaken you and you fly to her room thinking there is something urgent, but it's "I'm too hot, I can't find my blanket/duck/sock etc… that greet you. Seriously?
But the worst is the crying for no reason. Let's take for example that she has been up for a very valid reason. She's had a cold/ear infection so sometimes needs a drink or top up of meds mid sleep. No problem, I've got enough compassion that I see where she's coming from.
Then you tuck her back in bed, and are no sooner settled when the whimpering starts, if you let it go on long enough it becomes a full on cry with real tears.
You go in and ask what is wrong. No answer. Does something hurt? No answer. Why are you crying? No answer. Do you need something? Nothing. Just a wide eyed stare and a trembling lip. Are you scared? No response. Why didn't you do like we asked and try to go back to sleep? Still nothing.
We do pretty good until about 3 or 4 in the morning then all the b.s. starts. I say b.s. because a big part of me feels she's playing us.
I think she's gotten into a habit, and its a pattern she can't break out of. She may very well be awake at 3 am and having a tough time going back to sleep, but I am not going to get up and entertain her. You lay in your bed and be quiet…that is all I ask, just be quiet. You don't have to sleep, you can sing quietly to yourself or whatever soothes you. If she was a little older I would suggest she read for a while.
But for the love of God, please stop crying and whimpering. You are killing both myself and your dad there Miss K.
LIke some brutal separation anxiety you've taken into your soul and cannot let go. I feel so horribly bad for her and sympathize with sleepless nights. And even part of me wonders if there is not something else going on in that little pea brain of hers….but she says there's nothing wrong that she can think of…other than she can't fucking sleep. (my words, not hers)
All I ask is one night that I can get 7 hours of sleep….just one, because in the last 2 weeks I'm averaging about 6 hours a night…and I'm going to bed at 9:30 or 10, so that should tell you something.
At least Big C is around now….not on the road so much so we get to take turns getting up to see which "wolf" Miss K is crying about now. Not that you get to sleep any more, but at least you get to stay in bed.
Both of us lost it on Saturday morning, we got mad at her. Which we knew was the wrong thing to do, because she was upset to start with. But the idiocy of it all got to us. She's really really tired, but yet she cannot get to sleep, there's nothing wrong, yet she cries uncontrollably.
It's enough to drive you to drink, or seriously consider drugging your kid so they will just sleep til a reasonable hour. Even if you do crawl in bed with her or take her into your own bed, she still wakes up at ungodly hours, so its not just a comfort thing.
If she would just say that she needs to snuggle or that she's scared of the dark, or being alone or something. It's the silence that bothers me the most, not knowing what is going on in her head.
I would think that its a night time thing only, except she does it in the afternoon too. On weekends when its been a particularly rough night we insist on a nap, both for our own sakes and hers. And she pulls the same shit then too, whiny, snivelling, half cry, half sigh crap that drives you crazy in a hurry.
We're going on vacation in few days. Hoping that breaks the cycle…severs the tie and we start over from scratch.
She's always been an excellent sleeper, and we've always laughed that even at almost 5 she still calls out for us when she needs to go get a drink or have a pee.
You second guess yourself, thinking that perhaps there was a way we could have instilled more independence in her. She's fully capable of middle of the night trips to the washroom but yet she doesn't do it.
Why now? Why can she not get it through her head that she is fine and we're right down the hall? Why this strange attachment and anxiety?
She is fiercely independent in so many things, but cannot seem to get by this one right now.
I say right now as i know that it is only a stage and we'll get through it. At least I think we will…the fleeting thoughts of holding pillow over her head or mine are getting more frequent…I'm just kidding for all those busy bodies who think I would even think about seriously harming my child…
I pray we figure out what is going on with her and I pray for more sleep…
Til next time…sweet dreams
p.s. we had a night last night with no wake ups…things are looking up, or at least a little more restful
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