The fine line between compassion and crazy

I'm starting to determine that the line between compassion and crazy is a fine one. Very fine, razor thin if you ask me. The line between being a caring and compassionate parent and one who is completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs is a tricky one indeed.

Miss K is going to split me in two. I know I'm doomed to fail, its inevitable.

In the last 2 weeks there has not been one night, not a single one, that she has not been up in the middle of the night about something numerous times.

They applaud you when you have a baby that is 3 months old and they sleep through the night, no one says anything when you have an almost 5 year old  that does not.

Once a night to go pee, or get a drink or something of that nature is fine. We're usually getting up anyway. And there is always the bad dreams, she has a least one nightmare per week. The screams in the night would peel paint off the walls in most places they're so horrifying.

But she's wearing me down with the other stuff. The shrill cries of "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy Daddy" awaken you and you fly to her room thinking there is something urgent, but it's "I'm too hot, I can't find my blanket/duck/sock etc… that greet you. Seriously?

But the worst is the crying for no reason. Let's take for example that she has been up for a very valid reason. She's had a cold/ear infection so sometimes needs a drink or top up of meds mid sleep. No problem, I've got enough compassion that I see where she's coming from.

Then you tuck her back in bed, and are no sooner settled when the whimpering starts, if you let it go on long enough it becomes a full on cry with real tears.

You go in and ask what is wrong. No answer. Does something hurt? No answer. Why are you crying? No answer. Do you need something? Nothing. Just a wide eyed stare and a trembling lip. Are you scared? No response. Why didn't you do like we asked and try to go back to sleep? Still nothing.

We do pretty good until about 3 or 4 in the morning then all the b.s. starts. I say b.s. because a big part of me feels she's playing us. 

I think she's gotten into a habit, and its a pattern she can't break out of. She may very well be awake at 3 am and having a tough time going back to sleep, but I am not going to get up and entertain her. You lay in your bed and be quiet…that is all I ask, just be quiet. You don't have to sleep, you can sing quietly to yourself or whatever soothes you. If she was a little older I would suggest she read for a while.

But for the love of God, please stop crying and whimpering. You are killing both myself and your dad there Miss K.

LIke some brutal separation anxiety you've taken into your soul and cannot let go. I feel so horribly bad for her and sympathize with sleepless nights. And even part of me wonders if there is not something else going on in that little pea brain of hers….but she says there's nothing wrong that she can think of…other than she can't fucking sleep. (my words, not hers)

All I ask is one night that I can get 7 hours of sleep….just one, because in the last 2 weeks I'm averaging about 6 hours a night…and I'm going to bed at 9:30 or 10, so that should tell you something.

At least Big C is around now….not on the road so much so we get to take turns getting up to see which "wolf" Miss K is crying about now. Not that you get to sleep any more, but at least you get to stay in bed.

Both of us lost it on Saturday morning, we got mad at her. Which we knew was the wrong thing to do, because she was upset to start with. But the idiocy of it all got to us. She's really really tired, but yet she cannot get to sleep, there's nothing wrong, yet she cries uncontrollably. 

It's enough to drive you to drink, or seriously consider drugging your kid so they will just sleep til a reasonable hour. Even if you do crawl in bed with her or take her into your own bed, she still wakes up at ungodly hours, so its not just a comfort thing.

If she would just say that she needs to snuggle or that she's scared of the dark, or being alone or something. It's the silence that bothers me the most, not knowing what is going on in her head.

I would think that its a night time thing only, except she does it in the afternoon too. On weekends when its been a particularly rough night we insist on a nap, both for our own sakes and hers. And she pulls the same shit then too, whiny, snivelling, half cry, half sigh crap that drives you crazy  in a hurry.

We're going on vacation in few days. Hoping that breaks the cycle…severs the tie and we start over from scratch.

She's always been an excellent sleeper, and we've always laughed that even at almost 5 she still calls out for us when she needs to go get a drink or have a pee. 

You second guess yourself, thinking that perhaps there was a way we could have instilled more independence in her. She's fully capable of middle of the night trips to the washroom but yet she doesn't do it.

Why now? Why can she not get it through her head that she is fine and we're right down the hall? Why this strange attachment and anxiety?

She is fiercely independent in so many things, but cannot seem to get by this one right now.

I say right now as i know that it is only a stage and we'll get through it. At least I think we will…the fleeting thoughts of holding pillow over her head or mine are getting more frequent…I'm just kidding for all those busy bodies who think I would even think about seriously harming my child…

I pray we figure out what is going on with her and I pray for more sleep…

Til next time…sweet dreams

p.s. we had a night last night with no wake ups…things are looking up, or at least a little more restful

Snow, life skills and making the most of winter

Depending on which ground hog you believe in, we could either have spring in a few weeks, or have a lot more winter. I'm going to go with the latter.

We got a dumping of snow yesterday, more in the forecast and no sign of any temperature above zero. 25 more days and we're heading out to our vacation. With any luck we might be on the friendlier side of winter when we get back.

The cold I can always do without. But we did make the most of the winter over the weekend. My girl totally kicked it skiing on Saturday and we braved some high winds and snow on Sunday for some sledding (or tobogganing if you're old school).

Miss K was super keen on the ski thing, not sure at first if it was because of the promise of going out for supper after, but after a few runs she totally got into the groove and loved it. She still doesn't have the best speed control but aside from that she did awesome, really really good compared to last year. 

We went last February and I think did about 8 runs over the course of 2 hours. She whined and complained and lots of 3 years old going on 4 drama.

This Saturday was different, yes, she did have a bit of melt down after she had a good face plant wipe out, but aside from that she was all smiles and eagerness. There was even a few " I want to go skiing tomorrow" comments, which was great to hear.

Not that we're going to insist that she ski all winter or even that she keep with it, just that she was really really happy doing it. 

I or I should say we only insist that she take swimming lessons until she's competent in the water, other than that I don't care if she takes a gymnastics/dance/water polo/golf/ski/baton/piano/basket weaving lesson in her entire life. 

Neither Big C or I will be that "pressure parent" that has their kid overbooked every week in a dozen activities. Childhood is too short and a kid should be able to follow their loves and have time to play. Just play, not structured organized play either, just grab some sticks and dirt, or scissors glue and paper and do what comes naturally to them.

I'm not going to say that Miss K will never take a class or be "in" something, but all in good time I say. 

Swimming to us is a life skill, we're outdoorsy type folks and much of our spare time revolves around water in some form and Miss K will be able at some point to swim competently. No need for olympic level swim team, just adequate swimming skills to be able to survive if in water over your head so to speak

But it was encouraging to hear her say how happy she was to ski. Big C and I both love it and its one thing that makes winter tolerable. If Miss K were to love it too, I could see many a weekend afternoon cruising the hills and riding the chair lifts with my two greatest loves in tow.

Winter is here and it's snowy, might as well make the most of it before its gone, which as I mentioned I'm hoping it is soon after we get back from vacation. There are too many snow days and bus cancellations for the kids anymore. We've had 4 or 5 days of bus cancellations already this year…out of 20 possible instructional days so far fully 1/5th to 1/4 of them have been compromised by a lack of bus students or all out school closures. I realize you can't control mother nature, but when the sun is shining and its clear by 9:30 in the morning, would getting the kids to school a bit late be such a bad thing?

I'm all for safety and such, but I sometimes think we've crossed the line and become a nation of fear mongers and scared nelly's that 4 snowflakes constitutes a state of emergency. There's a lot of b.s. as far as I'm concerned, but I'm not going to fight the system, I don't have the time or the energy. Just don't bitch to me when little Johnny still can't read when he's in Grade 4. (not that I'm saying snow days are the sole cause of this either)

I did have the guilty pleasure of clearing snow with the ATV yesterday. It's still a pain in the ass, especially when you have to get up at 5 in the morning to do it, but way more fun than shovelling for sure. Less tiring and more satisfying to push a big pile of snow out of the way in 30 seconds, knowing it would have taken you 10 minutes to do the same with a shovel.

I need the exercise this is true, but our driveway is a heart attack waiting to happen if you know what I mean. We're talking 4 hours of snow blowing at a minimum, so I wouldn't even want to think what shovelling would take

Hmmm, the dog took me out at the knees on the weekend. I zigged, he zagged and his butt landed square behind my knees and I went down hard. Really, really hard, so bad I needed a minute to lie there and evaluate the situation before I got my ass up. Speaking of my ass and back, its still really sore, sitting is a killer as everything stiffens up. It's getting better, but I'm glad I'm not 20 years older, I probably would have broken a hip

Winter carries on and so does life, til next time…make the most of the snow if you have it

2015 and all is good

Wow it's been a long time since I've written a post. Like really, really freaking long. Last year long, about 7 weeks ago long.

Perhaps life got in the way of writing or something. I'm not really sure to be honest. It didn't seem that busy. 

The holiday season was really good actually. We started off poorly with an intestinal bug that Miss K brought home the last day of school before Christmas break, but other than that things were good. Relaxing actually. And if you consider losing some weight pre-holidays a bonus, then I guess we were really good!

Christmas was crazy but good, New Year's low key, but good. January so far, good

Things are good, I'm sleep deprived but that is nothing new, comes with the territory of being a parent. They congratulate you when your baby sleeps through the night, but don't tell you that you won't actually get to sleep through a night very often after that.

There's the bad dreams, "I need to go pee", "I need a drink", the crying, talking and coughing in their sleep that will prevent you from having no more that one full nights sleep in any 7 day period.

MIss K doing well, still loves school and is super stoked about winter and all the activities that come along with it. We've got a small skating rink in the back yard, a rather bad ass snowman, we went sledding twice last weekend (try to ban tobogganing from us rebels and you're in for a battle!) and she's thinking that she might like to try skiing again sometime soon. 

She is also super excited about the vacation we've got coming up. 33 days or so to go by her countdown chart. I'm not sure that we really can afford to go away, but probably for all our mental health we probably cannot afford not to.

Big C winding down his stint in the big city. He's been there for 5+ months now. Only about 3 days a week, but its taking its toll on him. We both figure he's going to be bored stiff when he returns to his regular position but hopefully something comes up that will rescue him from that fate.

Big C and I are doing pretty good. I still worry about him a lot. I see such improvement, but also hints of that guy who seemed very lost for so long. Overall though, it's good, whatever happens, happens and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.

I've got to be me and control my thoughts/feelings/reactions etc… everything else will fall into place the way it was meant to be

I'm still staying positive for the most part, not the rose coloured glasses eternal optimist, but upbeat in a pragmatic and practical way.

Like for example, every night I think I will get a wonderful 8 hours of shut eye and feel refreshed and rejuvenated come the morning, but when the reality hits that I got about 6 hours of sleep and don't actually feel like something the cat dragged in it really is a good thing.

I remain positive that I can write more on this blog in the next weeks as well

Til next time…get some sleep for me

Reasoning for the Season?

17 days and counting until Christmas, 85% of the shopping done in good shape overall, but Christmas brings me to a topic that I don't like to discuss much…religion.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and if you are not a part of Christianity in some respect or form, Christmas should probably not even fall on your radar. I guess there are the pagan origins and other such traditions, but at the root of it all it is a Christian holiday.

I'm not going all bible thumpy on you dear reader, not at all. That is not, nor will it ever be me. I spent the better part of my formative years in many different types of religious settings, be it Catholic, Baptist or some other sort of denomination. Had we had Jewish and Muslim folks in our small town, I might have even experienced those too.

But religious I'm not. Or maybe I am, religion by definition is an organized collection of thoughts on the universe/supreme beings etc… I'm paraphrasing of course, but I have some pretty strong feelings on those who claim to be religious or do things for religious reasons.

At a very fundamental level I have  problem with any system that casts prejudice or persecutes because it doesn't fall within the "religion guidelines" Catholics condemn the gays and are strong on pro-life views, certain groups condemn women and treat them as second class. If we take a look at the ongoing conflicts in the world are not a lot of them generated from one group/tribe/religion believing itself superior to the other?

I think it's all crap.

I don't argue with faith, and belief in a higher power, a sense of community and servitude, that's all good stuff and falls in line with my philosophy of treat others as you'd want to be treated. Worship God, Allah, Buddha, the earth and sky, Colonel Sanders for all I care, just don't use it as an excuse as to why you did or didn't do something.

You and only you are ultimately responsible for what you do. Don't tell me the church made you do it, or so and so came to you in a dream and said all blue eyed people are evil. Your religion is not an excuse for your actions.

If you go out and deliberately harm someone or something it is not in the name of (insert higher power here), it is your dumb ass self that is doing the deed. If you lack the judgement to determine right and wrong and good vs. evil don't use religion as your justification.

I don't buy it. I'm not professing to be holier than thou and more worthy than anyone else. That's not my nature. I live by my integrity alone. If I think I've done something wrong, I cop to it, simple as that. I don't gossip, criticize or be intentionally vindictive if I can help it. 

I'm not perfect, never will be, I sling some shit from time to time, but I really do live by the golden rule. Treat others as you'd want to be treated. I help out when I can or am able as I know that there will come a time that I will need the same. I don't dish out more than I can take if you know what i mean.

If I say something unkind about someone, I figure that someone is doing the same about me. Karma is a mean bitch and she'll come around and kick your ass if you aren't careful.

I'm not super cheery, always making muffins for the PTA, working at the homeless shelter, rescuing kittens in my basement or painting rainbows on the walls in the local hospital.

I'm just me, trying to be the best person I can be, with a faith and belief in a higher or collective power.

We chose to send Miss K to Catholic school for a whole host of reasons, top of the list was not that she could receive a catholic education.

But at the top of the list was to put her in a place where she could learn about the world and develop her own love for her fellow schoolmates and teachers, that was in a caring and nurturing environment.

Already she's become a better person, she knows that Jesus has a birthday at Christmas, that yes Santa comes and brings presents but perhaps there is something more than just that. Our public education system is so afraid of offending someone that I'd be surprised if there was much mention at all of the actual reason that Christmas is celebrated. 

I feel strongly that she's in the right place, and despite my objections to religion as a whole, I think she's getting a better picture on the world as well as learning to read and write.

Til the next time….what do you believe in?

My new love affair

I have a new love. It has been building for a little while now. Over the course of the last couple of years I've seen an intermittent crush turn into a full blown all out love affair. I'm smitten beyond belief and it is time to let the world know about it.

No, I'm not confessing infidelity with Big C., quite the contrary. But there is a strong love affair in my life and it is never more prevalent than at this time of year.

I love online shopping. I mean seriously love it. It totally rocks my world and this year is going to rock the majority of the Christmas presents under the tree.

No crowds, no driving, no waiting, and the big one no time wasted.

I did some online shopping last week at a major retailer's website, I purchased about 12 items in approximately 15 minutes. Even if I did not count the drive to the nearest store, there is no way I could have physically bought those items by walking through the store and paying at the checkout in that time frame. No way. Not possible. 

3 days later it was all delivered to my front door, without me having to battle a crowded parking lot, rude people or any other such atrocity associated with the festive season. Now, one item did end up being back ordered but they promised speedy delivery once back in stock.

Not only can I have stuff shipped to myself, I can have it shipped to other people too! Gift wrapped if I so choose. 

Did I mention for the most part all of these online shipping charges amount to nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. Order a certain amount or order from certain places and it won't cost you a cent to have it come to your door or someone else's door if you wish.

How cool is this?

I'm hooked. Totally one hundred percent hooked. It started many years ago, with a few hard to find or specialty items that could only be found in far away places or certain stores and it grew and grew to where this year I do believe that 3/4 of my holiday shopping will have been completed online in some fashion.

There are the true die hard shoppers out there that swear by the personal touch of going out and getting the full sensory onslaught that is Christmas shopping. And truth be told I will do some of that too.

But why waste my time, energy, gas and most of all patience, when I can order what I want and ship it to whom I want in the comfort of my own home at 9pm on a Sunday night? I ask you that question?

The holidays are stressful enough, we have a full scale renovation that is going on, we have a 4 year old who would like as much of our time as we can spare her, why add to it by having to allot a whole afternoon or even a full day to getting your xmas shopping done?

Thinking about the shopping time alone makes me want to have a small panic attack, never mind the driving time to and from the stores, finding parking, battling the elements as it is December in Canada. Why would I put myself through this torture?

I will go get stocking stuffers in person, I will write out Christmas cards and send them in the mail, I will spend time baking and decorating and doing the things we like to do for the holidays. I will put my heart and soul into all that is Christmas, but if I can indulge in this one new love please don't judge me.

I love the glow of the laptop or iPad screen telling me that my order will arrive in 2-3 business days. I love seeing the packages on the front porch. Seeing each of them reminds me that I probably saved a minimum of 1 hour of my life to do something else just by double clicking on that "place order" button and I couldn't be happier.

Til next time….if you're awake at 9 pm on a Sunday night, I'm probably in my p.j.'s shopping for something..lol

Quality time, or lack thereof

It's November 24th today. One month until Christmas eve. It's balmy, raining and windy today, snow flurries are back tomorrow. I'm feeling the first pangs of Christmas panic setting in.

The shopping is pretty much under control which is great, but the decorating, wrapping, baking, cooking, cards, get-togethers, is going to hit us like a steamroller soon. 

We're just starting to get a handle on the renovations…as in we might actually be able to move into our master bedroom and start using it soon, we may not be able to hang clothes in the closet, but we're almost there. There's the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel…

But Christmas is going to screw it all up.

We're going to be stretched too thin. There's going to be too much going on that we're going to get sick, or we're going to miss out on something we really should have done, we're going to yell and scream at one another or something ugly is going to come of it.

Yes, this doesn't bode well for my positive outlook, but I"m not maintaining much faith that the festive season is going to be the least bit relaxing.

I'm prepared to put in the work, and I've resolved to do that which I'm able, I or we cannot extend ourselves much more than we have. I need a break, we all need a break, but I don't think its coming any time soon.

I felt pretty bad this weekend as the only quality time I spent with Miss K was when we were out building a snowman Saturday afternoon, and when we played a couple board games Saturday night. Sunday was a blur and she spent too much time in front of the TV. We did do dishes together, but chores shouldn't be part of quality time.

Miss K is a good kid and truthfully she likes days that she can just play and stay in her pi's. It's the odd weekend that we do not do something all together and this was one of them, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made to get shit done.

I try not to think about all that has to be done, it can overwhelm in a heartbeat. December isn't even here yet and I know there's going to be an onslaught of things that Miss K wants to do and see, not to mention Big C, and don't even go down the road of what I might want to do…

We'll get through it, but when those first Christmas songs start playing on the radio, I feel the pressure starting to build. I don't have any sort of Norman Rockwell holiday season image to live up to, but you see the fear/panic in people's faces as they try to go to everything, do everything, be everything that they think Christmas should be.

I hope for a simpler holiday, of spending time and joy with those who mean the most and not feeling like I need to bake a 7 layer trifle with homemade sprinkles every time we go somewhere.

The trick is to get what you want to do done, that which is in reason, even it that is only getting the laundry off the dining room table so that people have a place to eat Christmas dinner.

There should not be stress or panic at Christmas, the expectations that are out there are set by ourselves only, maybe in some part holiday advertising and seriously, who has time for all that shit?

I know I don't. 

I resolve to give myself a break this holiday season and try to enjoy the festivities all the while getting renovations done and perhaps making some kick ass peanut butter balls too!

Til next time…I hope all your Christmas plans come together

Wooly wearing time

It has been too long since the last post. I had one typed up about a week ago, and a couple days passed with it on my desktop, and but that time I felt it was no longer relevant to post.

Life isn't really much busier than before, but things seem to pile up and writing gets pushed to the back burner a bit.

Halloween came and went. A rainy night, but not downpours so we did take in about 9 houses with Miss K. Bless her heart she had a bucket full of candy and decided at the end of the night that she would just have her fruit like normal for a snack before bed. I'm stating to pick away at the treats now, as she no longer has much interest in what is in there. She likes the stuff, she just isn't driven by that sugar craze that some kids have.

We are now in the middle of November, on the downward slide to Christmas. Snow flakes have even been in the air. Miss K is super pumped over that, she loves snow and playing in it. It will be a nice winter at the new place. It means spending more money though…we had to get something bigger and better to move snow than our 28" snowblower, Big C figured we'd be about 4 hours clearing snow with it if we got a big dump. So tomorrow we get to pick up our ATV with plow attached.

I'm kind of excited, and kind of not excited about all the money that seems to be flowing out our doors right now. It will be ok as our assets are more than our debts it just doesn't seem to stop right now and xmas is just around the corner…oh yay! Ramen noodles and KD for all of 2015! LOL

As for staying positive, that has been going pretty well. I wouldn't say I'm rocking the positive train right now, but despite some crap going on I've been doing ok.

Miss K running a fever last night which was worrisome, Big C had a cough for 3+ weeks that is troubling, the puppy dog leaves on Sunday for 3 or 4 weeks to do some training which is sad, our new heated floor is not working which pisses me off because it's the one thing that I really did want out of this renovation. I don't ask for much and this was a true luxury, but if they cannot get it to work…well then this lady is going to be somewhat disgruntled. I hate having cold feet and this was to be an indulgent treat…there will be hell to pay and money refunded if the flooring guys screwed up when they put it in that's for sure….

But they're minor annoyances, life bumps, overall things are good, busy but good. A little scared that xmas is coming and we're nowhere close to being done enough shopping or have any sort of plan for decorations etc…but we'll just wing it.

Big C and I are holding our own, another date night this week and overall a little more solid footing in our household. Day by day, step by step. I would like more time to ask how he's really doing, hoping to get to do that this weekend, really have a chat, but we'll get there

Til next time…wear your woolies, its cold out there!