It's been a while again, we had a good vacation and now we're back into the hornet's nest of life.
Things are not good. They're not bad, but they're not good. Big C and I seem to have a disconnect as of late. We're very civil to one another no big arguments or anything, no tension in that regard. We talk about things, share about our days etc...
But it's like we're working in silos, each doing their own thing and expecting something from the other that we're not getting. It's weird really. We're working toward the same goal, but doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
I'm doing my best to hold down the household chores and responsibilities, while Big C is trying to get everything else ready for the plumber to come in for our renovation and get some other stuff organized.
We both seem to be doing a pretty good job. But its taking a toll.
I've never seen him look so tired and so distant. Not so much that he doesn't want to be with us, just that there's so much going on, that he is disconnected from all of us a little bit.
He doesn't see that the dog just wants some of his time, he so desperately wants to please him, but he gets mixed messages from Big C. One day happy go lucky play with me guy, the next leave me alone, you're in big trouble dog attitude.
Big C keeps Miss K in his thoughts and for the most part keeps her at the forefront of his thoughts. He doesn't know she's stressed about school like she tells me, and I know she'd love more quality time with him.
I've been feeling kind of left out. Ever since we got back from vacation, I'm just there, more a room mate than a wife. We go through the motions, but don't really connect on any level. We both bust our ass until about 9:30 pm, have a drink on the couch together and go to bed.
I wonder why he doesn't even seem to want to touch me anymore. Oh, there's still kisses and hugs when we leave/come home, but no tenderness, no touches outside of that, just go, go, go. I try, I rub his feet, stroke his back at night but no reciprocation.
No feeling of anger, just indifference from him. There's something there that he's not talking about, and I cannot seem to get him to open up, he's just not spilling it.
I'm going to confront him soon if this doesn't stop. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe there really is something bigger and deeper in there that is eating away at him.
I worry about things like that. We just lost a great entertainer in Robin Williams, suffering from depression. I know how quickly things can turn dark and depressing and how you think you can have no way out. I don't want that to happen to me or to him
I don't think anything is on rocky ground, and I love him more every day, but I don't like Big C very much right now.
I have to be strong and get this done. I can do it…I just have to keep telling myself that
Til next time…wish me luck
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