I'm feeling a little helpless these days. Like I'm falling short of some invisible goal. I'm not really attempting anything major, I just think I'm not doing enough.
And its mostly in regards to Big C, like somehow I'm failing him in the support department.
He's been having some physical troubles lately. First it was the pulled tendon in his back that left him close to immobile for almost a week. Minor on an overall scale but he was a pretty big hurting unit for a while.
I've been there, everything else starts hurting when your back does. It's not fun to say the least. And nothing but professional chiropractic help could make him feel better.
Poor Miss K, she wanted so badly to help too…she'd rub his back the way only a 3 year old can and ask in a chipper voice if that helped or not. Big C would kind of grimace and grin all at the same time and say that he felt better, at least a little bit.
Then he was away all last week for work, more single parenting land for me, but he had a flu bug or something all week and could barely eat anything. If he did eat something it went through him faster than shit through the proverbial goose.
Poor guy, it maybe was the best that he was away and I'm no nursemaid by any stretch of the imagination but you still want to help. But he was in a lonely hotel room and I couldn't even give him a proper hug.
I'm not really the caring doting sort let that be clear. No one is ever going to recommend I sit bedside and take care of someone who is ailing. My prevailing train of thought usually is…suck it up buttercup and get on with it.
But I still like to help if I can and when you're powerless to affect any sort of change or make a dent in the suffering I don't do so well.
Big C's grandfather passed away yesterday. He was 94, had lived at home up until the last 2 years and died on one of his favourite days of the year, Remembrance Day. An interesting gentleman and I'm sure he touched the lives of many.
To a certain extent Big C had already done part of the mourning process, some family issues had pushed him a bit further away from his grandfather than he would have liked, and I think he'd said a sort of good bye in his own mind already.
But, there were a lot of memories and times he shared with his grandfather and he's got a load of hurt still weighing on his mind. A lot of why's and what if's and should I have's I know are going through his mind and making him sad.
It's hard, I just want to be there and make it better, but I know I can't, at least not now.
I feel bad because in all likelihood Miss K and I are not going to be going with Big C to the funeral. Miss K does not know Big C's grandfather, having only met him a couple of times when she was just a baby and I've got a treatment coming up this week that it would be best i not miss. Not to mention about 22 hours in a vehicle round trip that would make for a long couple of days.
It sucks. I feel like I'm not there for him enough, like I'm letting him down in some small way. I don't know how to do more than I am though, it just doesn't seem like its enough.
I guess that's it though, you have to be who you are, do what you can and hope that everything works out. Hope that you can keep forging ahead and better times will come your way.
On a positive note, we saw our future pup in person or "in puppy" on the weekend. They are a month old now and little balls of cuteness. One of them is our new Mudpuppy, and that is exciting and scary too…
Hoping that positivity is the main course of the days to come, its good to look on the bright side, just some days are harder than others…
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