Letter #2 to my husband

Dear Big C

Here is another letter to you, I know you won't ever read this, but still…

You are on your shopping getaway to the U.S. right now, you were a little disappointed in the one store that you really wanted to go to, but other than that, so far you are having a good time.

I miss you in more ways than I can count and I know that the feeling isn't mutual and that hurts. But, like rebuilding our house, i hope this trip is rebuilding you.

Things are comme ci, comme ça with me, a little of this, a little of that.

There is a whole lot of hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, bitterness and the hundreds of questions that have no answers that I worry about. I feel very lonely and uncomfortable around the man I love most in the world.

But on the flip side, I know that I can only be me and I cannot change to be something I'm not. I look forward to us working together to rebuild us and finding things that we can both improve on. I can't change and do something that I wouldn't do normally, but I can get better at things and that I do want to do.

I love you with all my heart and I'm still going to tell you that I love you, that I want you, that I'm there for you. I'm still going to say that I miss you, I'm still going to touch you and hug you because that is how I feel and I'm not going to stop just because you won't say the same back to me.

I can't deny how I feel and I can't be something I'm not. I want you in my life, in our life as a family. I hope there are things that we can find to make both of us better and stronger and find "us" as a couple again. 

In the unthinkable event that you cannot love me any longer and do not want me in your life, then we will figure that out too. I cannot make your heart feel something it won't. But I hope we can find the strength, faith and hope to not have that as the outcome in our life.

I want to help you through all you're going through, I don't know how I'm going to do that, but despite feeling some pain that I've never ever felt before, I do know that I want to stand strong beside the man that I love.

Miss K loves you too. So much. I hope you know that. Even the dog, he's fit to be tied when he sees you come home he wants to please you so much.

We're all here for you. I want to love you, I do love you, I hope someday soon you will let me love you again and that you will want to love me

Til next time everyone….stay strong and be true to yourself