All right, I think I might be temporarily afflicted with bi polar disorder.
I go from high to low in about 2 minutes these days. And i don't mean to make light of anyone with bi polar disorder, because that would not be fun.
Brutal sleep last night. Fell asleep in about 2 minutes, out for probably 15, then jolted awake. Decided after laying there for a while that I needed to go pee, I just about hit the bathroom, when "Mommy, Daddy, mommy, Daddy started up. I'm not actually sure if there even was a "mommy", I remember hearing daddy and then scooping her into my arms.
There was a frog in her room she said. Of course there wasn't, but just the same when you're 4 a bad dream seems very real. She clung to me for what seemed forever before she decided on a pee and a drink.
We snuggled for another good 10 minutes, with her nearly dozing off before I suggested she get tucked back in. I laid in bed with her for a while too, she didn't need it but I did.
She's been neglected far too much this last while. And I'm feeling guilty. Both Big C and I yelled at her last night, nothing really that was her fault, just that she wasn't paying attention more so than anything. And it sucked, I've got such a heavy heart to start with and then this.
Did not sleep well at all. Big C did though, which was kind of refreshing for him. Woke up and pretty much started to hold back the tears right from the word go. Cried most of my walk and yelled at the dog, then breakfast and getting ready time went pretty well and I only cried a little bit on the way to work instead of the usual sob fest.
The morning so far has gone ok, but who knows what the afternoon will bring.
So happy and so sad all at the same time. Our renovations are getting underway, not that they weren't underway, but now we have people who really know what they're doing in there doing their thing. So that is pretty cool, but very tiring trying to get all the stuff they need to work with.
The weight of the worry consuming me for the last couple of weeks is now gone, and even Big C seems a little less burdened with the extra transparency.
I remain hopeful all will turn out well, but at the same time have so many questions left without answers.
I get mad at myself, pissed off at Big C for shutting me out so long and so on, mad at little stupid things, angry that I was right about there being something troubling Big C and not doing anything about it.
I wonder how long it will be before Miss K notices that daddy isn't giving me kisses these days, or when folks will notice he's not wearing his wedding ring. Which is another thing that makes me angry, but I also know he doesn't wear it when golfing, renovating, anything to do with water which has been happening a lot lately, but still…it's not like we're separated or anything
I am happy that he is going to go on his solo shopping trip next week, I think he needs it…a lot. But I'm sad that even if I had vacation and we could all go together, I don't think he'd want me. I don't think he'll even particularly miss me, which hurts so much
We've been through a lot of tough things together, keep praying that we come out on the other side of this one ok
Til next time…life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful
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