Another weekend passed us by. Where in the hell did the summer go? We were going to do a yard sale, get to more places for dinner, have more people over, go here, go there, do this, do that…and we seem to have come up short in all aspects.
Saturday was fun. We did our usual errands and things in the morning and in the afternoon, we went ahead and met Big C at the retriever trial he was judging. We didn't see much of the dogs running, Miss K and I were visiting with folks and dogs, so we didn't see much retrieving. But that was OK, it was more to get out and be social than anything.
We all had fun, at least it seemed like we did, Big C involved with setting some stuff up and some paperwork but we had dinner together and Miss K participated in the junior handler event which always brings lots of laughs and smiles to everyone's faces.
It was a long day, we didn't get home until 9 pm and Big C was around 11 pm, which is late considering he left before 6 am.
Sunday we did some golfing at the driving range and went out for lunch too. Miss K now has her backpack and lunch bag for school.
I'm still not feeling really great about her going to school. I worry about her, she's a sensitive kid and I fear a lot of melt downs are in our future. Something is going to stump her, how to get through a maze of kids to get where she wants to go, how to get something open in her lunch etc…and it will send her for a loop.
I don't want to be overprotective and hovering, but I still worry. A lot.
It was a total #$%@ show week. Things OK between me and big C, but not enough time to really talk. He headed out for a few days yesterday afternoon, some work to start, then a shopping trip to finish across the border.
There was a nice big genuine hug before he left, which was good, but such a long road ahead of us in so many ways that it is difficult to cope and handle it all. There are just so many questions without answers and that is tough to take.
You go from being positive and upbeat to pissed off and sad in about 2.3 seconds.
I'm hurt. Really hurt. Hurt that Big C couldn't or wouldn't tell me what was going on with him. Hurt that he told others but didn't tell me. Sad that he's been suffering so long.
Wondering how long our rebuild is going to take and being as he couldn't tell me about his issues, is he really telling the truth about anything anymore?
I guess its not that bad, I've no reason not to trust him, there's too much at stake if if doesn't end up working out between us, but still your confidence is shaken.
There isn't anyone else, at least not that I can tell, he honestly seems too shook up to actually want to be in another relationship. He's just a big hurting unit and for that I'm so sad.
He seems a little better some days, seems to be regaining some of the joy in his life. I'm wondering if he's realizing that he's got to ask for help, he can't always take on everything like he wants to.
I"m still pissed at him in some ways, but mostly I just see that man that I love. 100% all in, locked and loaded, love you fully and completely.
But honestly wondering how things will ever be the same again. I guess I know they won't ever be the same, but can we come up with something better?
Just another question I really cannot answer...
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