Where do we go from here?

It's Monday and it's been an eventful weekend. We got about 2 tons worth of stuff out of our upstairs for the renovation, another big change over 2+ days. 

Big C filled up the bin in a hurry with all the carpet, wood and such. The lathe and plaster was the worst, poor guy worked until he was black with dust on Saturday. I know he was so sore and achy, he could have just went to be about 6pm Saturday night I think.

I tried to chip in as best I could, we had a high school girl come over on Saturday afternoon as a potential babysitter for Kaitlyn, they played well together so hopefully someone else to count on in the future when we need assistance, plus I got some work done on the renovation.

Miss K and I went to a baby shower. OK as baby showers go I guess, snacks and cake were good, so I suppose that is all that really matters isn't it.

There was the usual errands and stuff too, laundry, cleaning, all that domestic sort of thing.

Then there was the big revelation. Big C isn't in love with me anymore. He loves me, but isn't in love.

I had went upstairs to bed last night, but wanting to check something and also sensing something was really wrong I went back downstairs. 

Big C hasn't kissed me in weeks, or should I say kissed me in an intimate way. I gave him a smooch on the cheek and told him to have a good night.

I don't remember what he said next but it turned into a very long and very tearful conversation. 

He's hurting so much right now its tearing me apart. He is struggling within himself and can't find the right answers he says. He is missing "us" but he said he is missing himself, he feels so empty inside and is suffering greatly because of it.

I lost count of how many times he said sorry, he knows how much he's hurting me and that i'm taking the brunt of his suffering.

It's a big weight off my shoulders, not what I wanted to hear, but a weight lifted nonetheless. I take some comfort knowing what is going on, knowing that he's aware there is a problem and that he is talking to someone.

He wants to get us back he says. I hope so too. I've never stopped loving him, ever. He's my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my lover, my kid's favourite person in the whole wide world. 

I hate to see him hurt so much. He wants to get himself together and then we can work on us he says. I'm game. I will give him the patience and time he needs and whatever the result, good or bad we'll figure it out

I'm heartbroken for both of us, praying for strength to carry forward and believe that there are better days ahead.

I love you Big C, so much, so, so much…from the bottom of my heart I hope you feel like your old self soon…

Til next time…hug someone that you love