I made a pledge a couple weeks ago to be positive.
Not ever lasting always the glass is half full eternal optimist positive, but really an effort to focus more on the good things, then on the not so good.
It's easy to complain, but much tougher to notice the good things when the bad seems to stick out so much. It's easier to say that it's too cold and dark in the mornings now when you take the dog for a walk than to say you enjoy watching the sunrise or how the dog seems to love the cooler temps.
I read a blog pretty regularly called "Not your Average Mom". She's not average, she's got 7 kids, financial troubles, marital troubles and other issues that would put most of us in the nut house for good, but she offers some valid and humorous anecdotes on life and its struggles.
There was talk of being positive for one week, but she wanted it to be a much loftier goal for people and have it be a year. A year to change your thinking and a year to recognize the good in your life.
I thought I could do that. I'm not a hugely negative person, more of a realist and with a streak of sarcasm that puts a taint on things from time to time. But not really a Debby Downer, still I knew there was room for improvement.
Room to grow and be more grateful for what I had than what I didn't or what I thought was wrong.
A keep your chin up attitude despite all the shit going on with the renovation and Big C.
Today is a tough day. Today is a day that I'm having trouble seeing the plus side of things, today I'm doubting lots in the world. Today I'm looking for some help from a higher power on how I can be stronger and more understanding.
Big C was home from the day job for 2 nights. It was pretty good, his birthday was yesterday and we had meet the teacher BBQ on Tuesday. Pretty fun overall and Miss K had a blast.
Things were nice with Big C and I, not normal, but a little less uncomfortable than they had been. I see he's trying and I'm doing my best to be patient with him.
But, there's breaks in his good cheer. There's this temper that comes out of nowhere. and typically for some stupid reason. He's not violent by any means, but I think sometimes he surprises himself with how quickly he flies off the handle.
Miss K will be just being a typical 4 year old girl and some days he cannot handle the drama, or I will disagree with him on something and that is cause for sharp words. Even the dog doesn't stand a chance sometimes, all he wants is to play and he gets yelled at.
I worry that he's going to really hurt himself physically with the outbursts. He's going to have high blood pressure, or a heart attack or stroke if he doesn't watch it. It's part of his temperament in general, he's always had a short lived and fiery temper, but it concerns me that it pops up more often.
Today he left without so much as a goodbye, I thought he was coming back in the house, but next I knew he was driving down the lane. I think some of it was that he doesn't want long goodbyes with me and Miss K as they make him sad, but still….
Then, he calls me to say he's in safe and sound. Always the good husband to call so that I don't worry he's stuck on a highway somewhere.
I guess its the dichotomy that i can't stand. One moment the guy I fell in love with and the next someone that is kind of like that guy but with some part of him that is broken or not set quite right.
The hot and cold, up and down tears away at you. I try to be upbeat, I find tons of positive stuff every day, but there are days like today that kind of beat you down. Your heart hurts so much and the person you most want to talk to or cuddle up with is the one that doesn't really want to be with you.
Til next time, I'm looking for the silver lining for today
No comments:
Post a Comment