We have enough stuff

Today we move on to lighter topics. Of late it's been the stress and sadness surrounding the seizures of our fur kid and her subsequent euthanasia. My heart is still heavy with sadness, and will be for some time I think. I'm not going to be able to move on as fast as I thought I would. It's harder to let go, more difficult than I figured, there's not been a day that I haven't cried because I miss her. But, we will get through it, somehow someway.

Right now, my concern is that I hate May and June. There have been a lot of crappy things that happened in May and June, like the aforementioned death of my mud puppy. I also miscarried in May some years ago, lost my grandmother in June and a whole host of other things, but no my beef is with all the "occasions" in May/June.

There's Mother's day to kick it off, my birthday, 2 close friends birthdays, father's day, Miss K's birthday, sister in law's birthday, god son's birthday, step father's birthday, and lastly father in laws birthday. (Which technically is in July, but the 3rd, so close enough to all the other crap)

Why you ask would I complain about so many supposed joyous occasions at once? Should be a whole lotta partying going on right? Lots of fun and laughter etc… To some extent yes, but to another extent it just makes already busy months even more crazy.

Mother's day and my birthday fall within two weeks of one another. All is good on that front except there's always the request to come up with ideas for people to get me stuff. Gifts are not necessary people!! How many times do I have to say it?

I don't care about stuff. From time to time there may be a thing or two that I need, but   it's really tough coming up with that many ideas in a short amount of time. Miss K baked me a big cookie and made a card this year for mother's day, that's all I need. Same for me birthday, some acknowledgement that it is my birthday, a hug, kiss, maybe a card, some cake and I'm good to go.

But what I really hate is all the other birthdays and stuff. Yes, I like my kid's birthday because it usually means seeing all our friends and family and that is great. But it also means more stuff. Everyone wants to buy her "stuff", no one wants to give money for education funds (except my mom), they all want to buy her a toy. She does not need one more thing! She doesn't play with half the stuff she's got because everyone had to buy her "something" in the past. It drives me nuts!

Then there's the people that you have to buy for. We're doing pretty good cutting back but you still like to get a little something for everyone. Father's day is lots of fun, dad, step dad, father in law, all seniors that really don't need anything. Thankfully 2 of the 3 play golf so there's always a gift certificate for a round that is useful. 

There's cards and gifts and shipping to those who don't live close, or a scramble to get something early because someone is coming to visit and you want to avoid the postage, because that is just another expense. Where does it end?

I'm not saying get rid of gift giving, I think there's a lot of good intentions out there and well wishers. I just wish there wasn't such a focus on it. We get so wrapped up in what we are wrapping up that we really forget to celebrate the birthday/anniversary etc…

What good is rushing around to get a gift and it makes you so busy that you forget to call the person or even send a text message for their day. I'd rather have the phone call or a visit any day over someone being so stressed and busy getting me a gift that they forget the little stuff.

We need to take a step back and appreciate what you have in the people around you. By all means send a card or gift, but maybe take a better look around and say rather than putting time and effort into a gift(s), could I use that time to help someone out? Bring dinner for them? Take them to a movie? Call and just chat for half an hour? 

I guess maybe this comes back around full circle to missing my puppy dog. It's the shared experiences and laughter that you miss about people when they're gone, not the gifts they brought. That person/kid/animal brightens your life just by being there with you, not by what they spent on you.

Yup, it's not a new concept, a bit rose coloured glasses even for me, but maybe we should focus more on the things that matter in life, not so much on giving/having more stuff

Til next time...

The final retrieve

Friday we sent our Mudpuppy to live with God in heaven, she made her final retrieve and left us for a more peaceful life.

It's now Tuesday and I didn't think I would still hurt so much. I miss her terribly. Achingly, longingly wanting to just see her brown eyes and touch her soft ears one more time.

Rationally I know it's for the best. That there will be no more stress in our house worrying about when the next time the ugly seizure monster would rear it's head. No more concern about how she was feeling or if recovery would be full and complete. No more sleeping with one ear open for the yelp to indicate that a seizure was imminent. No more fear that one of the seizures might take her before we had a chance to say good bye.

In a logical sense it was the best we could have hoped for. She made a pretty good recovery from the last seizure and seemed back to her old happy self. We had a chance to prepare and say good bye. One of us could be there to hold her while she slipped away. Death was peaceful and calm surrounded by those she loved and who loved her, not a sudden departure due to the ravages of a seizure.

But on the emotional side, it's not fair. Our puppy dog taken from us too soon. She still had nearly half a life to live, so many more retrieves to make, so many more trials to run, so many more walks, scratches, kisses, naps etc.. .that she and we missed out on.

Every time we look around or do something it reminds us of her. Leaving the house, coming home, meal times, morning and night time, all empty somehow because she's no longer there.

Some people have a dog/cat/bird for companionship or to complete their household. It just fits in, but for many it is just a cat, dog or whatever. They don't understand the commitment to training, the scheduling of training days and trials. The bond built while in the field or at the marsh waiting for waterfowl on a cold winter's day. In many senses she was a working dog,  not quite in the same way a police dog or guide dog works but still working. Our social life was largely based on being with dog people or training/hunting partners, and that world has been shattered.

I said to Big C over the weekend that I wished we'd been able to get another dog before our Mudpuppy had to go. It would have lessened the pain, kept the routine similar and the house wouldn't have seemed so empty. But it was not to be, we figured we had another year or two before we had to even consider putting her into semi-retirement. 

Funny how life changes things for you isn't it? I just miss her so, so much. Miss K I think gets it. She knows that our dog is not going to come home any more. In many ways she seems oblivious, until all of a sudden she says how much she misses her being there. Adding more heartbreak to an already broken heart.

You try to stay strong and remember all the things that she did to make you happy, but those memories are so bittersweet because you know you will never do any of them again.

Sure there will be other dogs, I can't see us going for too long without one in the house, but it will never be the same. She was our first and for that a uniqueness that no other dog will ever know. A standard all others will be compared to.

Oh, puppy dog, I miss you so much. 

Your snoring, your big sighs when things weren't going the way you thought they should, all of them gone. 

I miss your nudges at the side of the bed when you wanted out, or thought it was time for breakfast or even just to say hello. 

I miss your waggy tail, your exuberance when we'd come home, even if we'd only been gone an hour. 

I miss your need or want to be a 75lb lap dog whenever I would sit on the floor. 

I miss seeing you on your pillow, stretched out by the fire, warming your butt. 

I realize we may never have another dog that doesn't bark, you'd try it out now and again just to make sure you could. 

I miss your muddy footprints, wet belly, hair everywhere. 

I miss your drool on the floor when we were cutting up cheese and you thought you needed some.

I miss your final trick of figuring out how to get out of your kennel during the day when we were at work 

I miss you every waking moment, but I know it all is for the best.

To all those with fur friends out there, give them an extra hug today for me. You wonder why you keep signing on for the heartbreak that follows their too short lives, but they give back so much more than you could ever give them, it makes the choice obvious

Love you Mudpuppy…till we meet again

The sad end is near - my puppy dog is going to make her final retrieve

The day I've dreaded is coming soon. This Friday we will have to put our beloved Mudpuppy down. Off to the great retriever training ground in the sky.

I didn't want to go on the business trip. A gut feeling, mother's instinct, call it what you will, but I knew I didn't want to go, I knew our girl would have a seizure while we were gone. 

Don't get me wrong it was a good trip. Big C and Miss K came with me, I even had a couple day's vacation after the conference to check out Phoenix with them. (definitely putting it on the places to go when we retire). We had fun, but i couldn't stop thinking about my fur kid.

I'd hoped that the look in her eye was because she'd been napping when we came to pick her up. I hoped that the super dose of anti epileptic drugs was going to help. I hoped and hoped and hoped. 

But, there was always that nagging feeling that it wasn't going to be better, that we weren't going to see any improvement, that all the hope in the world wasn't going to make it better.

Sadly, my gut instinct was right. Our Mudpuppy had a seizure at my mom's place early the day we came home. They didn't really know how long it was, but I could tell from the look in her big brown eyes that it lasted a while and she was still feeling the effects.

Damn, damn, damn, poor thing, physically she was pretty good this time through, but more and more she sort of had that look in her eye that she wondered what the hell just happened.

I know you can say it's just a dog and they don't know or that they don't feel things, but she knows something is up. She's developed some more staring off into space, eye tics and other out of character behaviour. Whether its the drugs or the residual effects of the seizures we'll never know, but we're starting to lose little pieces of her. The casual observer would still see her as the easy going good natured puppy dog that she is, but we're seeing a difference.

Big C was taking a break from cutting the grass on Sunday when he said to me, "I think it's time isn't it?" Sadly, we were thinking along the same lines. 

The drugs are doing nothing, the seizures are getting more frequent and severe and she's losing the ability to bounce back quickly. How long before we lose the dog we love? Will a seizure be fatal? Will it incapacitate her to a degree we have to put her down? Will there be a dramatic change in personality, like aggressive behaviour? How much good time would we have with her?

We agree with the vet's thinking, that this definitely isn't an epilepsy issue, the drugs should at least minimize the severity if it was. This is something else entirely. Something that is hurting/changing my girl and I want to give her some peace from it all.

Part of me doesn't want to of course. I want to have her in our lives, i want her sloppy kisses and loud snoring as part of our household. I want her to follow me to the ends of the yard and house just because she's curious what I'm doing. I want to run more trials with her, travel with her more, go on more walks, train more and so on, but it's not to be.

The reality is, this is starting to get to her, she's hurting in her own way, and she can't be the dog she used to be and we can't be the owners we used to be. 

I'm constantly listening for her footsteps at night that might indicate an oncoming attack. Fearful that when I come home, that she will have had a seizure while we're gone or have died without someone there to hold her. 

We need her to go to live with God before the seizures take any more of her away. We need to remember her the way that she is right now, not a former shadow of herself. We need Miss K. to see her as healthy and happy, not hurting and sad.

Speaking of Miss K., that is another dilemma, how to explain all of this to an almost 3 year old. Our babysitter's neighbour died suddenly this past weekend, it was someone that Miss K. saw almost daily. We've explained that she died and has gone to heaven to live with God, but not sure if she's going to get that with the mudpuppy's demise.

She knows that the Mud pup isn't feeling good, and that mom and dad are very sad. Big C and her had a talk last night, about our dog not coming back home, that she was going to go to a place where she didn't hurt anymore and could do all the things that she loved to do. But dying would mean not seeing her any more, she would never come home when she went to live with God. I think she's starting to grasp it, but on the other hand maybe at 3 she doesn't really need to understand either.

We will deal with it as best we can, more tears everyday and spending as much quality time with the puppy dog as we can, doing all the things that she loves to do. 

More to come, I need this to cope…til next time

Keeping your head up, when all you feel is down

I've spent most of the day near tears. I have no idea how people do it. How do people get through the day when their kids are really really sick? It could be sick at home or sick in the hospital, it doesn't matter, I just don't know how they do it.

Miss K. is fine I might add. She's a picture of health really, some traumatic hang nails and bumps and bruises but otherwise ok.

No, it's my fur kid that's got me all worked up and on an emotional roller coaster these days. Sometimes, I'm hopeful, others the despair and worry overcomes rational thought.

I laid there in bed last night, the fan blowing because we've had a recent warm spell in our parts and the big guy likes to be cool. I'd been awake for an hour, defeating the purpose of going to bed early, panicking because I didn't think I'd be able to hear the dog or the kid if something was wrong.

Irrational worry, I know I can hear them, as the fan is not of 747 caliber, but still, it must be a mom thing? Just the fears associated with having a dog with epilepsy I guess.

We had the mudpuppy on medication for almost a month, she was tolerating it well, some subtle differences, but nothing really noteworthy. Then came Saturday night. 

I awoke out of a dead sleep, about 12:30, the dog yelping in her kennel. Crap I thought she must have to pee really bad, we've been having some warm weather as mentioned and we've been getting back into doing some training so she's been drinking a ton. I let her out, she seemed off, but I thought I'd run and have a pee too while she was out.

Then I heard the thunk…she tends to be a bit of a thunder foot, but this was different, she wasn't just coming back up on the deck. I went to the back door and was sure I could hear paddling and heavy breathing. Shit, here we go, I ran back to the bedroom and got big C out of bed. 

It was bad, so very very bad. About 15 minutes worth of seizing. My poor fur kid, I know they say they don't feel anything, but lord it seemed forever. 

Recovery time was typical. Partial blindness, stumbling, pacing, extreme hunger and thirst. For whatever reason, she responds better to me after an episode. Maybe the tone of my voice, maybe that I've been there for more of her seizures than Big C has, I don't know.

After an hour or so, I typically go back to bed, for some reason that seems to calm her down. Mom's in bed, so I might as well go too I suppose is what she thinks. Though she never strays too far from us after a seizure.

Our vet was perplexed. The meds should have made the seizure shorter, not worse. Were they not working, did she metabolize too much of it and it's effects wore off? Would this be a sign of things to come? Would everything just get worse despite the drugs? Oh, why was this happening, things were supposed to be better.

It wasn't that we figured she'd never have another seizure. We just hoped for less of them and shorter duration. It's one of the most scary things I've ever had to deal with. And I am thankful every single day that it's not Miss K going thru this.

Big C taking this one hard. He's hurting big time and I can't even tell him it will get better, because the reality is that it might not. I'm really struggling this time too, she's still having more good days than bad, but how long before one of these short circuits something vital and we're left with a shadow of the dog we knew. How long before we have to make the decision to give her some rest from all of this? How long do you keep fighting before….

It's awful. In my heart I know its just a dog, it's not my kid or someone close to me. But in so many ways she's not "just a dog". She's the black shadow that follows me everywhere. She's the licky dog that sends my kid into fits of giggles every time she licks her. She's the retriever that is so keyed up on her "natural instinct" she shakes with excitement at even a hint of getting to "fetch" something. She's the 75lb lap dog wannabe, who will practically sit on top of you when you are laying on the floor. She's put paw prints on all of our hearts and its hard to call her "just a dog"

So we soldier on. We've upped her medication, hopefully with some sort of success or progress. We'll appreciate every good day and try to rebound from the bad.

Til next time…hug those close to you, whether your own kids or the fur kids...

Hola Baby!!

Wow, another long period of time has passed since i last made an entry. Where the hell did that month go? Whoosh, right into the history books, one third of 2013 almost has passed us by. Scary sometimes really, how we get caught up in the day to day and then all of a sudden look up and we're in a different season or your kids are in school or leaving school or leaving home or you are going to the nursing home whatever the case may be…

Anyways, our trip south was good. Miss K. in her glory. Spent 5+ hours a day in the pool for the most part. Kudos to those places who think to have a walk in/beach type entry to their pool. It lets all of us with toddlers/preschoolers off the hook just a little bit. We can actually let the kids go in the pool sort of on their own, not that they aren't supervised in the water, but it's shallow enough that kids can play, we can sit in the water or at the side and they can have a bit of freedom and we can have a bit of relaxation. There are the trips to the "deep end" to swim and jump off the side, but the look on her face when she found the pool was for the most part just a giant puddle that she could play in was priceless.

The flights went better than I thought. All the waiting involved in air travel is a bit much for anybody, let alone a 2 or 3 year old. But she handled the flight like an old pro, you'd think she'd flown 100 times before.

Upon arrival we had to circle a bit, it was really hot in the cattle corral when you first arrive in the airport terminal, so Miss K had a bit of stomach upset then. A quick dig in the bag for some gravol and some water and she was much better.  Same thing on flying out, not sure if all the bus ride/people/heat/fumes etc… got her going but again some gravol, some lunch and good to go home, well, sort of, I think she could have stayed there forever…haha

So a good trip and as luck would have it I've got to go to Phoenix for a conference for work in May, so my new little traveller and her dad are going to come with me. Whomever schedules a conference that screws up anyone's long weekend should be shot, but it will be nice to have them there with me…at least I can see them in the morning and the evening for a little bit.

Our dog had a fun time at grandma's house, unfortunately the poor thing had a seizure while there. Freaked my mom out a little bit this time, hope that she never has one there again or else we'll lose our go to dog sitter. Can't say as I blame her but it still sucks. Looking into a lady that takes on special needs dogs in her home and offers boarding so hopefully that works out. Cannot in my heart leave her in a regular kennel at the best of times, let alone she has a grand mal seizure while there.

We took the mudpuppy to the vet last week, she is in absolutely perfect health, save for the epileptic bouts. Heartworm meds and 500 dollars later we were out of there. We've started her on seizure medication to see if that lessens the frequency and severity. Keeping fingers crossed but not holding my breath if you know what I mean.

Tis all for this time, we got Miss K. speaking a bit of spanish while we were away, she just killed herself laughing overtime we or someone else would say "Hola Baby!"…till next time have a cerveza for me...

The Why Stage

Wow, it's been a while. Not that I haven't had time to write, it's just I'm not writing here. I'm writing emails, instructions, lists, notes and other stuff so this has taken a back burner.

Life is normal, not chaos, but a never ending merry go round of commitments, travel, visitors, phone calls and day to day chores.  You collapse into bed at night wondering where the day went, and about 5 minutes after that the alarm goes off and you are right back into it all again. I still have no idea how people go to bed at 11 or 12 at night and get up at 6 in the morning. We are in bed b4 10 and get up at 6 and it still doesn't seem like enough sleep.

Miss K. has officially entered the why stage. Not that she didn't ask "why" about stuff before now, but it's become a frequent occurrence in our house now. An example would be. Please eat your pancakes. Why? Because you need to eat breakfast. Why? You don't want to be hungry all morning. Why? Because you will be cranky and your stomach will grumble. Why? If you don't eat, you don't have energy and your nutrient levels will fall and…oh why even bother. Fine, don't eat your breakfast, see if I care. Why?

But seriously it's fun. Aside from the annoying "why" conversations like the one above, Miss K is starting to ask questions that show some thought and understanding of bigger concepts. That's awesome in my book. It's a delight to see how bright kids can be and their unbiased black and white view of things. It can be a challenge too, you want to provide them with the correct answer but not overwhelm with a whole lot of adult complexity either. 

Big C and Miss K could possibly kill one another before she hits her teen years. She's got a bit of an attitude at times, mostly with him and I think it's only because it gets a rise out of him. It drives him absolutely crazy, he's got a hard time shrugging it off, she's being 2 going on 22 and he can't let it go sometimes. She's standing up for herself and saying she doesn't want to do whatever it is he wants, but with enough of a whine and attitude that he goes right round the bend. He's learning to pick his battles but I'm putting my money on the kid, she's going to win this war! Haha.

Miss K. is also growing at an alarming rate. Not outwards but upwards. She's not yet 3 and she's wearing some 4T clothes already because 3T is not cutting it for length. She'll eat you out of house and home most days, I fear what the teen years will bring. I guess my mother will laugh as it will be sweet revenge for all the leftovers that I ate from her fridge growing up, usually about 2 hours after supper ended.

Not much else going on. We've booked a vacation to Punta Cana leaving this weekend. This will be Miss K's first airplane trip, and first big trip away from home. She travels well, but we'll see how we survive a 4+ hour flight and airports and things like that….

Til next time…think spring!!

Cheers to the single parents out there

To all the single parents out there, just wanted to let you know…I get it. I get where you're coming from, I get the struggles and the trials. I get the standing on one foot, twirling 3 plates on sticks while holding a screaming toddler balancing act that you do every single day. I think I finally understand.

I was raised by a single mom (and a single dad every other weekend) and I think that after a few years, when I reached my teens I knew that it was difficult. I knew money was tight, I knew it was hard to balance a kid's life and extra curricular activities and maintain some sort of life of your own. I think I was pretty aware that it was much harder with one parent than two in the house, but I don't think I quite grasped the depth of it all

I've had a few recent stints where I've been single parenting for a week or so at a time due to Big C.'s recent travel for work.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that I even come close to one tenth of one percent of what an actual single parent goes through in one day. But I think I understand more fully, and I will defend anyone who either by choice or by unfortunate circumstance has to take on a parenting role by themselves. It ain't easy being mom/dad/nurse/teacher/disciplinarian/etc… all rolled into one body.

Last week was supposed to be a 4 day run to a northern city for Big C. He had to leave on the weekend to get there, but no big deal. We'd done it before. Except that changed on Monday, now he'd be coming home briefly one night and leaving the next, to return on the following weekend. Then he'd have to go away again the following week. OK I thought, bummer. But we'll manage, no big deal. 

I never sleep as well when he's gone, you always have to keep one ear open for the kid or fur kid and it raises up a notch when you know you're by yourself. So you just seem constantly tired when you're on your own. I imagine if you have to single parent full time you just resign yourself to sleeping when your kids finally go off to college.

So, Monday went pretty well at work, I thought all was good, Miss K had a good day at the sitter, so we headed for home. Got into the garage and was unloading the rugrat from the car when I can hear the dog howling from inside the house. She rarely barks and whining with excitement is common when she hears the car, but this seemed excessive. Whatever, I thought I will be in soon enough.

We're greeted at the door by the dog, which in itself is unusual since she's supposed to be in her kennel. OK, no big deal, we either didn't close the door quite right or she's learned how to get it open. She's been out before so I didn't really think much of it.

We weren't in the door 30 seconds when Miss K manages to tangle her feet and take her chin out on the coffee table that is downstairs. No blood or teeth through lips thank god, but tears of pain and surprise nonetheless. 

Then there is whiny/howling dog. What is going on with her I think to myself, she's commonly vocal when we get home, but this is excessive?

I've just about got the hysterics from Miss K. down to a dull roar when we head upstairs to see not one but two piles of dog vomit on the living room floor. (no wonder the dog had so much to say, if there is a dog with a guilty conscience, ours is it) Oh boy, I think, what in the hell happened today?

So, I get the dog out for  pee, give her a cookie, notice the food bin is ajar and put two and two together. Dammit she's had a seizure while we were gone. 

She's gotten out of her kennel, either with the violence of the seizure or out of desperation once it was all over with. Typically she's famished after she's had one so the poor dog managed to get her food bin open a little bit and gorged herself, threw up and then gorged herself again…I found another throw up in the bedroom. 

She drank her water dry, I'm sure drank out of one or both of the toilets in desperation for more water. (she never, ever, ever drinks out of a toilet, so I know the need for water must have been pretty dire)

So know I know why she was so upset when we came in, trying to tell us what happened and probably apologizing for barfing on the floor. 

I was glad in a way that I didn't have to see her seizing, but sad that I wasn't there for her. Pretty pathetic that you feel that way for a dog, but what can you do, she's like a family member.

By now Miss K. sitting mindlessly on the couch, no more tears, I flipped on the tv in the hopes it would actually keep her occupied for a few minutes while I cleaned up and got supper going.

Not a good start to a week with no back up…I kept telling myself it could have been so much worse. Miss K. could have really gashed her chin, there was no blood, no stitches, really not much of a bruise after all was said and done.

The mud puppy ended up being OK, I hate the seizures, but things could have been worse or she could have completely destroyed the house, which she didn't.

Mind blowing at the time, but you're thankful almost afterwards.

So, high fives, congrats, chest bumps, balloons and cake to all the single parents out there who do this day in and day out.

I can't imagine the toll on you after years of doing it alone. I hope you have a super support system of friends and family who can help you out. I hope you manage to have a life as well as give your kids one. I hope you can find a way to stay financially secure in all of the mess.

One good benefit is, when your kids do something truly spectacular, or simply silly, you get all the glory and laughter/love from it.

Keep on doing what you do so well, til next time….