The sad end is near - my puppy dog is going to make her final retrieve

The day I've dreaded is coming soon. This Friday we will have to put our beloved Mudpuppy down. Off to the great retriever training ground in the sky.

I didn't want to go on the business trip. A gut feeling, mother's instinct, call it what you will, but I knew I didn't want to go, I knew our girl would have a seizure while we were gone. 

Don't get me wrong it was a good trip. Big C and Miss K came with me, I even had a couple day's vacation after the conference to check out Phoenix with them. (definitely putting it on the places to go when we retire). We had fun, but i couldn't stop thinking about my fur kid.

I'd hoped that the look in her eye was because she'd been napping when we came to pick her up. I hoped that the super dose of anti epileptic drugs was going to help. I hoped and hoped and hoped. 

But, there was always that nagging feeling that it wasn't going to be better, that we weren't going to see any improvement, that all the hope in the world wasn't going to make it better.

Sadly, my gut instinct was right. Our Mudpuppy had a seizure at my mom's place early the day we came home. They didn't really know how long it was, but I could tell from the look in her big brown eyes that it lasted a while and she was still feeling the effects.

Damn, damn, damn, poor thing, physically she was pretty good this time through, but more and more she sort of had that look in her eye that she wondered what the hell just happened.

I know you can say it's just a dog and they don't know or that they don't feel things, but she knows something is up. She's developed some more staring off into space, eye tics and other out of character behaviour. Whether its the drugs or the residual effects of the seizures we'll never know, but we're starting to lose little pieces of her. The casual observer would still see her as the easy going good natured puppy dog that she is, but we're seeing a difference.

Big C was taking a break from cutting the grass on Sunday when he said to me, "I think it's time isn't it?" Sadly, we were thinking along the same lines. 

The drugs are doing nothing, the seizures are getting more frequent and severe and she's losing the ability to bounce back quickly. How long before we lose the dog we love? Will a seizure be fatal? Will it incapacitate her to a degree we have to put her down? Will there be a dramatic change in personality, like aggressive behaviour? How much good time would we have with her?

We agree with the vet's thinking, that this definitely isn't an epilepsy issue, the drugs should at least minimize the severity if it was. This is something else entirely. Something that is hurting/changing my girl and I want to give her some peace from it all.

Part of me doesn't want to of course. I want to have her in our lives, i want her sloppy kisses and loud snoring as part of our household. I want her to follow me to the ends of the yard and house just because she's curious what I'm doing. I want to run more trials with her, travel with her more, go on more walks, train more and so on, but it's not to be.

The reality is, this is starting to get to her, she's hurting in her own way, and she can't be the dog she used to be and we can't be the owners we used to be. 

I'm constantly listening for her footsteps at night that might indicate an oncoming attack. Fearful that when I come home, that she will have had a seizure while we're gone or have died without someone there to hold her. 

We need her to go to live with God before the seizures take any more of her away. We need to remember her the way that she is right now, not a former shadow of herself. We need Miss K. to see her as healthy and happy, not hurting and sad.

Speaking of Miss K., that is another dilemma, how to explain all of this to an almost 3 year old. Our babysitter's neighbour died suddenly this past weekend, it was someone that Miss K. saw almost daily. We've explained that she died and has gone to heaven to live with God, but not sure if she's going to get that with the mudpuppy's demise.

She knows that the Mud pup isn't feeling good, and that mom and dad are very sad. Big C and her had a talk last night, about our dog not coming back home, that she was going to go to a place where she didn't hurt anymore and could do all the things that she loved to do. But dying would mean not seeing her any more, she would never come home when she went to live with God. I think she's starting to grasp it, but on the other hand maybe at 3 she doesn't really need to understand either.

We will deal with it as best we can, more tears everyday and spending as much quality time with the puppy dog as we can, doing all the things that she loves to do. 

More to come, I need this to cope…til next time

Keeping your head up, when all you feel is down

I've spent most of the day near tears. I have no idea how people do it. How do people get through the day when their kids are really really sick? It could be sick at home or sick in the hospital, it doesn't matter, I just don't know how they do it.

Miss K. is fine I might add. She's a picture of health really, some traumatic hang nails and bumps and bruises but otherwise ok.

No, it's my fur kid that's got me all worked up and on an emotional roller coaster these days. Sometimes, I'm hopeful, others the despair and worry overcomes rational thought.

I laid there in bed last night, the fan blowing because we've had a recent warm spell in our parts and the big guy likes to be cool. I'd been awake for an hour, defeating the purpose of going to bed early, panicking because I didn't think I'd be able to hear the dog or the kid if something was wrong.

Irrational worry, I know I can hear them, as the fan is not of 747 caliber, but still, it must be a mom thing? Just the fears associated with having a dog with epilepsy I guess.

We had the mudpuppy on medication for almost a month, she was tolerating it well, some subtle differences, but nothing really noteworthy. Then came Saturday night. 

I awoke out of a dead sleep, about 12:30, the dog yelping in her kennel. Crap I thought she must have to pee really bad, we've been having some warm weather as mentioned and we've been getting back into doing some training so she's been drinking a ton. I let her out, she seemed off, but I thought I'd run and have a pee too while she was out.

Then I heard the thunk…she tends to be a bit of a thunder foot, but this was different, she wasn't just coming back up on the deck. I went to the back door and was sure I could hear paddling and heavy breathing. Shit, here we go, I ran back to the bedroom and got big C out of bed. 

It was bad, so very very bad. About 15 minutes worth of seizing. My poor fur kid, I know they say they don't feel anything, but lord it seemed forever. 

Recovery time was typical. Partial blindness, stumbling, pacing, extreme hunger and thirst. For whatever reason, she responds better to me after an episode. Maybe the tone of my voice, maybe that I've been there for more of her seizures than Big C has, I don't know.

After an hour or so, I typically go back to bed, for some reason that seems to calm her down. Mom's in bed, so I might as well go too I suppose is what she thinks. Though she never strays too far from us after a seizure.

Our vet was perplexed. The meds should have made the seizure shorter, not worse. Were they not working, did she metabolize too much of it and it's effects wore off? Would this be a sign of things to come? Would everything just get worse despite the drugs? Oh, why was this happening, things were supposed to be better.

It wasn't that we figured she'd never have another seizure. We just hoped for less of them and shorter duration. It's one of the most scary things I've ever had to deal with. And I am thankful every single day that it's not Miss K going thru this.

Big C taking this one hard. He's hurting big time and I can't even tell him it will get better, because the reality is that it might not. I'm really struggling this time too, she's still having more good days than bad, but how long before one of these short circuits something vital and we're left with a shadow of the dog we knew. How long before we have to make the decision to give her some rest from all of this? How long do you keep fighting before….

It's awful. In my heart I know its just a dog, it's not my kid or someone close to me. But in so many ways she's not "just a dog". She's the black shadow that follows me everywhere. She's the licky dog that sends my kid into fits of giggles every time she licks her. She's the retriever that is so keyed up on her "natural instinct" she shakes with excitement at even a hint of getting to "fetch" something. She's the 75lb lap dog wannabe, who will practically sit on top of you when you are laying on the floor. She's put paw prints on all of our hearts and its hard to call her "just a dog"

So we soldier on. We've upped her medication, hopefully with some sort of success or progress. We'll appreciate every good day and try to rebound from the bad.

Til next time…hug those close to you, whether your own kids or the fur kids...

Hola Baby!!

Wow, another long period of time has passed since i last made an entry. Where the hell did that month go? Whoosh, right into the history books, one third of 2013 almost has passed us by. Scary sometimes really, how we get caught up in the day to day and then all of a sudden look up and we're in a different season or your kids are in school or leaving school or leaving home or you are going to the nursing home whatever the case may be…

Anyways, our trip south was good. Miss K. in her glory. Spent 5+ hours a day in the pool for the most part. Kudos to those places who think to have a walk in/beach type entry to their pool. It lets all of us with toddlers/preschoolers off the hook just a little bit. We can actually let the kids go in the pool sort of on their own, not that they aren't supervised in the water, but it's shallow enough that kids can play, we can sit in the water or at the side and they can have a bit of freedom and we can have a bit of relaxation. There are the trips to the "deep end" to swim and jump off the side, but the look on her face when she found the pool was for the most part just a giant puddle that she could play in was priceless.

The flights went better than I thought. All the waiting involved in air travel is a bit much for anybody, let alone a 2 or 3 year old. But she handled the flight like an old pro, you'd think she'd flown 100 times before.

Upon arrival we had to circle a bit, it was really hot in the cattle corral when you first arrive in the airport terminal, so Miss K had a bit of stomach upset then. A quick dig in the bag for some gravol and some water and she was much better.  Same thing on flying out, not sure if all the bus ride/people/heat/fumes etc… got her going but again some gravol, some lunch and good to go home, well, sort of, I think she could have stayed there forever…haha

So a good trip and as luck would have it I've got to go to Phoenix for a conference for work in May, so my new little traveller and her dad are going to come with me. Whomever schedules a conference that screws up anyone's long weekend should be shot, but it will be nice to have them there with me…at least I can see them in the morning and the evening for a little bit.

Our dog had a fun time at grandma's house, unfortunately the poor thing had a seizure while there. Freaked my mom out a little bit this time, hope that she never has one there again or else we'll lose our go to dog sitter. Can't say as I blame her but it still sucks. Looking into a lady that takes on special needs dogs in her home and offers boarding so hopefully that works out. Cannot in my heart leave her in a regular kennel at the best of times, let alone she has a grand mal seizure while there.

We took the mudpuppy to the vet last week, she is in absolutely perfect health, save for the epileptic bouts. Heartworm meds and 500 dollars later we were out of there. We've started her on seizure medication to see if that lessens the frequency and severity. Keeping fingers crossed but not holding my breath if you know what I mean.

Tis all for this time, we got Miss K. speaking a bit of spanish while we were away, she just killed herself laughing overtime we or someone else would say "Hola Baby!"…till next time have a cerveza for me...

The Why Stage

Wow, it's been a while. Not that I haven't had time to write, it's just I'm not writing here. I'm writing emails, instructions, lists, notes and other stuff so this has taken a back burner.

Life is normal, not chaos, but a never ending merry go round of commitments, travel, visitors, phone calls and day to day chores.  You collapse into bed at night wondering where the day went, and about 5 minutes after that the alarm goes off and you are right back into it all again. I still have no idea how people go to bed at 11 or 12 at night and get up at 6 in the morning. We are in bed b4 10 and get up at 6 and it still doesn't seem like enough sleep.

Miss K. has officially entered the why stage. Not that she didn't ask "why" about stuff before now, but it's become a frequent occurrence in our house now. An example would be. Please eat your pancakes. Why? Because you need to eat breakfast. Why? You don't want to be hungry all morning. Why? Because you will be cranky and your stomach will grumble. Why? If you don't eat, you don't have energy and your nutrient levels will fall and…oh why even bother. Fine, don't eat your breakfast, see if I care. Why?

But seriously it's fun. Aside from the annoying "why" conversations like the one above, Miss K is starting to ask questions that show some thought and understanding of bigger concepts. That's awesome in my book. It's a delight to see how bright kids can be and their unbiased black and white view of things. It can be a challenge too, you want to provide them with the correct answer but not overwhelm with a whole lot of adult complexity either. 

Big C and Miss K could possibly kill one another before she hits her teen years. She's got a bit of an attitude at times, mostly with him and I think it's only because it gets a rise out of him. It drives him absolutely crazy, he's got a hard time shrugging it off, she's being 2 going on 22 and he can't let it go sometimes. She's standing up for herself and saying she doesn't want to do whatever it is he wants, but with enough of a whine and attitude that he goes right round the bend. He's learning to pick his battles but I'm putting my money on the kid, she's going to win this war! Haha.

Miss K. is also growing at an alarming rate. Not outwards but upwards. She's not yet 3 and she's wearing some 4T clothes already because 3T is not cutting it for length. She'll eat you out of house and home most days, I fear what the teen years will bring. I guess my mother will laugh as it will be sweet revenge for all the leftovers that I ate from her fridge growing up, usually about 2 hours after supper ended.

Not much else going on. We've booked a vacation to Punta Cana leaving this weekend. This will be Miss K's first airplane trip, and first big trip away from home. She travels well, but we'll see how we survive a 4+ hour flight and airports and things like that….

Til next time…think spring!!

Cheers to the single parents out there

To all the single parents out there, just wanted to let you know…I get it. I get where you're coming from, I get the struggles and the trials. I get the standing on one foot, twirling 3 plates on sticks while holding a screaming toddler balancing act that you do every single day. I think I finally understand.

I was raised by a single mom (and a single dad every other weekend) and I think that after a few years, when I reached my teens I knew that it was difficult. I knew money was tight, I knew it was hard to balance a kid's life and extra curricular activities and maintain some sort of life of your own. I think I was pretty aware that it was much harder with one parent than two in the house, but I don't think I quite grasped the depth of it all

I've had a few recent stints where I've been single parenting for a week or so at a time due to Big C.'s recent travel for work.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that I even come close to one tenth of one percent of what an actual single parent goes through in one day. But I think I understand more fully, and I will defend anyone who either by choice or by unfortunate circumstance has to take on a parenting role by themselves. It ain't easy being mom/dad/nurse/teacher/disciplinarian/etc… all rolled into one body.

Last week was supposed to be a 4 day run to a northern city for Big C. He had to leave on the weekend to get there, but no big deal. We'd done it before. Except that changed on Monday, now he'd be coming home briefly one night and leaving the next, to return on the following weekend. Then he'd have to go away again the following week. OK I thought, bummer. But we'll manage, no big deal. 

I never sleep as well when he's gone, you always have to keep one ear open for the kid or fur kid and it raises up a notch when you know you're by yourself. So you just seem constantly tired when you're on your own. I imagine if you have to single parent full time you just resign yourself to sleeping when your kids finally go off to college.

So, Monday went pretty well at work, I thought all was good, Miss K had a good day at the sitter, so we headed for home. Got into the garage and was unloading the rugrat from the car when I can hear the dog howling from inside the house. She rarely barks and whining with excitement is common when she hears the car, but this seemed excessive. Whatever, I thought I will be in soon enough.

We're greeted at the door by the dog, which in itself is unusual since she's supposed to be in her kennel. OK, no big deal, we either didn't close the door quite right or she's learned how to get it open. She's been out before so I didn't really think much of it.

We weren't in the door 30 seconds when Miss K manages to tangle her feet and take her chin out on the coffee table that is downstairs. No blood or teeth through lips thank god, but tears of pain and surprise nonetheless. 

Then there is whiny/howling dog. What is going on with her I think to myself, she's commonly vocal when we get home, but this is excessive?

I've just about got the hysterics from Miss K. down to a dull roar when we head upstairs to see not one but two piles of dog vomit on the living room floor. (no wonder the dog had so much to say, if there is a dog with a guilty conscience, ours is it) Oh boy, I think, what in the hell happened today?

So, I get the dog out for  pee, give her a cookie, notice the food bin is ajar and put two and two together. Dammit she's had a seizure while we were gone. 

She's gotten out of her kennel, either with the violence of the seizure or out of desperation once it was all over with. Typically she's famished after she's had one so the poor dog managed to get her food bin open a little bit and gorged herself, threw up and then gorged herself again…I found another throw up in the bedroom. 

She drank her water dry, I'm sure drank out of one or both of the toilets in desperation for more water. (she never, ever, ever drinks out of a toilet, so I know the need for water must have been pretty dire)

So know I know why she was so upset when we came in, trying to tell us what happened and probably apologizing for barfing on the floor. 

I was glad in a way that I didn't have to see her seizing, but sad that I wasn't there for her. Pretty pathetic that you feel that way for a dog, but what can you do, she's like a family member.

By now Miss K. sitting mindlessly on the couch, no more tears, I flipped on the tv in the hopes it would actually keep her occupied for a few minutes while I cleaned up and got supper going.

Not a good start to a week with no back up…I kept telling myself it could have been so much worse. Miss K. could have really gashed her chin, there was no blood, no stitches, really not much of a bruise after all was said and done.

The mud puppy ended up being OK, I hate the seizures, but things could have been worse or she could have completely destroyed the house, which she didn't.

Mind blowing at the time, but you're thankful almost afterwards.

So, high fives, congrats, chest bumps, balloons and cake to all the single parents out there who do this day in and day out.

I can't imagine the toll on you after years of doing it alone. I hope you have a super support system of friends and family who can help you out. I hope you manage to have a life as well as give your kids one. I hope you can find a way to stay financially secure in all of the mess.

One good benefit is, when your kids do something truly spectacular, or simply silly, you get all the glory and laughter/love from it.

Keep on doing what you do so well, til next time….

Hockey - Too much of a good thing

Today's subject is hockey. Why hockey? Well, it's all anyone seems to talk about these days. Living where we do, it's pretty much talked about year round. A nationwide obsession if you will and personally I just really don't get it

I'm not a hockey hater, I just don't get the singular one-mindedness that obsesses people about this sport. I suppose it's similar to football or Nascar in the U.S. or perhaps soccer/football in the rest of the world, but I still don't get it.

I enjoy attending a higher level game, fast skating where you can hear the skate blades cutting through the ice, some great displays of hand-eye coordination, the electricity in the arena in a close game etc…It's good, I even grew up wanting to play (however in an era where girls were not really accepted in the hockey arena). Spent many a Friday night at the local rink watching/socializing while a game was going on so I understand the many sides of the game.

I like watching little kids playing organized hockey, skating in one big ball chasing the puck, tripping over one another and their own feet. Even the local street hockey games are fun to watch. Team building, good exercise, fair play and so on are all in there and the great aspects of the game. There are so many good things to this sport, but honestly some people need to get a grip on things.

We can start with the NHL lockout, it's now supposedly over, and my reaction is who cares? Millionaires fighting with millionaires about who gets paid what. It's about as riveting as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs fighting over computers. How does the general population relate, we're figuring out how to pay for groceries or if we can afford to go on vacation and they're talking numbers that the majority of us will never see.

And now after months of arguing they hope that the fans will come back? Really, I hope they lose some teams because of it. There are markets in the US that struggled for a fan base as is, I would hope that the ones that did actually go to games say "Screw you, I pay good money to go see you play as a source of entertainment and you can't even bother to show up for work." Of course this is a drop in the bucket, there are all the people who lost peripheral jobs because these guys couldn't get their crap together.

So enough about the pros, lets talk about the minor leagues. Not about the kids who love the game and go out there to have fun, or the Tuesday night rec league adults who go out and shoot the puck around and then go and have a few beers. No, we need to talk about the hockey parents/coaches/players who have the mindset that they or their kid is going to play in the pros. To them I say, "don't bet on it." I could probably look up the actual percentage of players that make it to the pros, or even semi pro level, and I would say your odds are better in winning your local dream home hospital lottery. Get over it people, yes, your kid may be good, but there are a whole lot of reasons that your kid is not going to be the next Crosby or Ovechkin. Let them play the game for the love of it, not because you picture yourself handing out his/her hockey card at the office.

Next, to the players out there who give the referees no credit for the work they do, I say lay off. Yes, I will say this is near and dear to my heart as Big C is an upper level referee, but I had this opinion long before he ever entered the picture. The refs are there to do a job and that is to make sure the game is played fairly. (I won't speak for those of you playing rec league hockey when your game is being officiated by Joe Schmo who just played in the game before you) An accredited referee is there on a nearly volunteer basis to make sure your kid is safe and the game gets played with some sense of fairness and decorum. Yes there are bad referees, but there are also bad players and bad games and we can't lump them all in to one. They get paid yes, but factor in travel, skates, equipment, helmets etc… and over the course of a season, might work out to a minimum wage part time job for your average referee.

I've seen referees spit at, hit, speared, sworn at, jumped after games and so on. Really people? Is this that important. Is your kids peewee game so vital that you need to scream at the referee from the stands because they called a penalty with 1 minute left in the game? Give your head a shake, it's a game, get over yourselves. And to the players out there, just suck it up and take the penalty, maybe it was and maybe it wasn't but honestly if it was something minor, it's 2 minutes in your life to sit out. (if you get 5 minutes for something, then you already know you probably shouldn't have done what you did). Hitting the referee, or calling them names or whatever isn't going to get you anywhere in the game or in life, just think about it.

Hockey is such a hot topic in our country, and I just don't know why. There are so many other great things out there in the world to talk about and do, why must our nation devote so much time and energy to this singular thing? Maybe years of cold and snowy winters did it to us and now that there is global warming and less extremes, we're coming to our senses?

We watch the local sports channel every morning at our house. Yes, I watch it too, from an early age, I enjoy all things sporting and am perfectly happy to catch up on the days scores and highlights. However, nothing pisses me off more than 3/4 of the show being taken up with hockey and hockey talk and speculation etc… There are other things going on in the world. Yes, you can give me the line about, "well that is what people want to see". Yes, of course it's what we want to see, because you don't show any other options, so we don't know that there is skiing, snowboarding, ringette, curling, lacrosse, bobsled, luge…I can't think of any more winter sports right now, but you get the picture. Maybe if kids saw something on TV or in the media other than hockey, they might be inclined to try it…just saying.

Anywho, that is my rant, it's a good game, but we really have to broaden our horizons as a nation and realize that breaking news is not the firing of a coach or manager of one of our hockey teams. It's reporting and saturation in our culture is too much of a good thing

Til next time…keep your stick on the ice :-)

#2, Stage 4 and Knock Knock Jokes

There it was and gone again, Christmas, New Years, whatever you may celebrate at the end of the year, its done, over, finito, in a blink of an eye, we're into the new year and all the hype and hubbub seems a distant memory.

Christmas stuff starts appearing before Halloween and before you can say jingle bells they've removed it all from the shelves and put out the Valentines day stuff. Good lord, how am I supposed to shop for wrapping paper and bows, when you've removed all the Christmas goodies by the 27th of December. Our retail sector has gone crazy I tell you.

All in all though, it was a good time had by all. There was visiting, presents, drinks and more food than you could possibly imagine. 

Miss K. surprised us all and had all of her gifts open by about 11 am Christmas morning. Her habit of playing with each and every thing that she opened was lessened somewhat and she got through a few gifts before choosing something that needed to be opened and played with.

I dealt with the chaos quite well, I'm not one for "stuff" We always seem to have too much of "stuff" and I seem to always be cleaning it up and putting it away or giving it away or whatever. Big C insists we need a bigger place to put our stuff, I say we just need less stuff. But I digress and that is a whole other entry on "stuff". Let's just say that I dealt with the paper/boxes/gifts/overall clutter pretty well for a couple of days, then I needed to start putting stuff away. Disorder can only be tolerated for so long!

On the very day that Miss K turned 2 and a half, she decided that pooping on the potty was OK to do now. She'd done it sporadically before and has been in big girl underwear (other than to poop) for months now, but I think we might actually be done with this whole process. Not that we really did anything, our approach to it was nonchalant to say the least, and for some reason its worked like a charm. Except for the #2 part.

For about the last year, we know exactly when Miss K is pooping, if not from the look on her face, then from her telling us. She's just been resistant to pooping on the potty, common I hear among kids, but frustrating because it was pretty much only a control issue on her part. As in, I can control when/where I poop and you big people cannot, and I'm going to do just as I please, when I please.

Oh well, think we're past that now, she appears to be pretty impressed with herself, so I think any sort of pull-up or diaper in our house will be a thing of the past. She's been dry at night for months too, which I hear is a huge hurdle to cross too. Onto whatever the next challenge is that she will throw at us.

So, that's all the good stuff. Of course it can't all be good, a couple deaths of people not super close to us, but close enough that you really feel for the folks suffering that sort of loss during the holidays.

Also, a close friends mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Been fighting with the doctors about a sore back for almost a year, they kept passing it off as an assortment of maladies. When in fact it looks like cancer in the spine, lungs and countless other places. Not a sunny outlook and frustrating when you think that it could have perhaps been caught sooner. Not a lot of details and some shell shocked kids and grandkids dealing with the news. Hurts us too, as she's been like a mom to me at times, so you feel for what they're experiencing. Plus my hubby lost his mom in a similar situation 5 years ago, sucks the big one let me tell you.

Hmm, don't want to leave this on a depressing note, so will sign off with a knock knock joke. Yes, lame, but it took my kid part of a day to learn it at the sitter's so I think its kinda cute

Knock Knock,

Who's there?

Barbie

Barbie who?

Bar B Q Chicken

Til next time….