A letter to my husband

Dear Big C

I am writing this letter of apology for all the things I should have said but didn't. Sometimes there are things that people need to hear and I wasn't saying them, feeling them, but not saying it.

I am so sorry that I let you down. I knew something was wrong, knew you were hurting for a long time but didn't push to find out what it was.

I know how deeply you feel things and with the loss of your grandfather, our Mudpuppy, and your emergency surgery along with stress on the job last year, it was easy to pass off your troubled look for something more superficial.

I should have pushed further, should have said that I was there for you and that you had my support. I  know how long you've been hurting and that makes me sad.

It broke my heart last week when you said it was so nice to hear that I supported you in your new temporary position. Which meant that it was something I should have been saying out loud all along. 

I assume sometimes that you know how I feel by the way I act and take on responsibilities at home etc…but realize that hearing it, would help too.

I am so, so sorry that you felt alone and struggling with whatever is tormenting you, my asking deeper questions or saying that you have my support may not have changed the course of events but at least you would have known that I'm here for you.

We all need to hear that the other person thinks were sexy, or smart, or funny, or kind or caring or whatever and I'm not doing enough of that. because you are all those things and so much more.

It's going to take baby steps to get us back to where we were, I want you to find that spark and joy in life again and I want you to know that I'm by your side loving you every step of the way

Love,

Your wife

Til next time…take the time to tell someone WHY you love them

Polar opposites

All right, I think I might be temporarily afflicted with bi polar disorder.

I go from high to low in about 2 minutes these days. And i don't mean to make light of anyone with bi polar disorder, because that would not be fun.

Brutal sleep last night. Fell asleep in about 2 minutes, out for probably 15, then jolted awake. Decided after laying there for a while that I needed to go pee, I just about hit the bathroom, when "Mommy, Daddy, mommy, Daddy started up. I'm not actually sure if there even was a "mommy", I remember hearing daddy and then scooping her into my arms.

There was a frog in her room she said. Of course there wasn't, but just the same when you're 4 a bad dream seems very real. She clung to me for what seemed forever before she decided on a pee and a drink. 

We snuggled for another good 10 minutes, with her nearly dozing off before I suggested she get tucked back in. I laid in bed with her for a while too, she didn't need it but I did.

She's been neglected far too much this last while. And I'm feeling guilty. Both Big C and I yelled at her last night, nothing really that was her fault, just that she wasn't paying attention more so than anything. And it sucked, I've got such a heavy heart to start with and then this.

Did not sleep well at all. Big C did though, which was kind of refreshing for him. Woke up and pretty much started to hold back the tears right from the word go. Cried most of my walk and yelled at the dog, then breakfast and getting ready time went pretty well and I only cried a little bit on the way to work instead of the usual sob fest.

The morning so far has gone ok, but who knows what the afternoon will bring.

So happy and so sad all at the same time. Our renovations are getting underway, not that they weren't underway, but now we have people who really know what they're doing in there doing their thing. So that is pretty cool, but very tiring trying to get all the stuff they need to work with.

The weight of the worry consuming me for the last couple of weeks is now gone, and even Big C seems a little less burdened with the extra transparency.

I remain hopeful all will turn out well, but at the same time have so many questions left without answers.

I get mad at myself, pissed off at Big C for shutting me out so long and so on, mad at little stupid things, angry that I was right about there being something troubling Big C and not doing anything about it.

I wonder how long it will be before Miss K notices that daddy isn't giving me kisses these days, or when folks will notice he's not wearing his wedding ring. Which is another thing that makes me angry, but I also know he doesn't wear it when golfing, renovating, anything to do with water which has been happening a lot lately, but still…it's not like we're separated or anything

I am happy that he is going to go on his solo shopping trip next week, I think he needs it…a lot. But I'm sad that even if I had vacation and we could all go together, I don't think he'd want me. I don't think he'll even particularly miss me, which hurts so much

We've been through a lot of tough things together, keep praying that we come out on the other side of this one ok

Til next time…life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful

Roller coaster days

Another day another roller coaster of emotion.

Very rocky start this morning, lots of hurt and anger not to mention the seemingly endless supply of tears that seem to flow.

We had a crazy night last night. The framer and electrician were there when Miss K and I arrived home. That went well, but left us having a later supper and with a big list of supplies that we needed to get by Wednesday.

Big C asked right away though after they left how my day was. I said pretty up and down, he said he was the same and it was reflected in his golf game. 

We ate and then headed off to the local big box home improvement store which is now Miss K's favourite place due to the driving carts. Oh well whatever spins your wheels right?

On the way over we both commented on the crazy change of events in our evening. I said that the saying goes that "god only gives you what you can handle" and that I'd had just about enough.

Big C agreed fully and we actually held hands for awhile in the truck. There was a big hug last night before bed and that was nice too.

That big weight was lifted and we're both trying to work toward the same goal. Miss K is motivation enough, I cannot have our life be a statistic, and her living with only one of us if I can help it.

This morning though I was frustrated and hurt all over again. Asking questions, like why did Big C shut me out so long. Why couldn't he confide in me before now. Why did he push me away when I did try to ask? Why could he talk to someone else about us, but not to me?

I was also pissed at myself. I should have asked/pushed more when I did see something was wrong. Why did I fail him in that department, why didn't I push instead of passing it off for something else? Why didn't I help him out so he wasn't so tormented and stressed?

Yup, lots of frustration, bitterness and sadness today, but working through day by day. 

Big C got the official word today that he's taking on a provincial coordinator role for 3 months or so. It sucks because he's not going to be around as much, but good for him and a new challenge too.

Struggling at times to be optimistic, keep seeing the worst case scenario, but knowing that we promised each other that we'd try and that we will

Til next time…hope your day hasn't been a roller coaster...

Where do we go from here?

It's Monday and it's been an eventful weekend. We got about 2 tons worth of stuff out of our upstairs for the renovation, another big change over 2+ days. 

Big C filled up the bin in a hurry with all the carpet, wood and such. The lathe and plaster was the worst, poor guy worked until he was black with dust on Saturday. I know he was so sore and achy, he could have just went to be about 6pm Saturday night I think.

I tried to chip in as best I could, we had a high school girl come over on Saturday afternoon as a potential babysitter for Kaitlyn, they played well together so hopefully someone else to count on in the future when we need assistance, plus I got some work done on the renovation.

Miss K and I went to a baby shower. OK as baby showers go I guess, snacks and cake were good, so I suppose that is all that really matters isn't it.

There was the usual errands and stuff too, laundry, cleaning, all that domestic sort of thing.

Then there was the big revelation. Big C isn't in love with me anymore. He loves me, but isn't in love.

I had went upstairs to bed last night, but wanting to check something and also sensing something was really wrong I went back downstairs. 

Big C hasn't kissed me in weeks, or should I say kissed me in an intimate way. I gave him a smooch on the cheek and told him to have a good night.

I don't remember what he said next but it turned into a very long and very tearful conversation. 

He's hurting so much right now its tearing me apart. He is struggling within himself and can't find the right answers he says. He is missing "us" but he said he is missing himself, he feels so empty inside and is suffering greatly because of it.

I lost count of how many times he said sorry, he knows how much he's hurting me and that i'm taking the brunt of his suffering.

It's a big weight off my shoulders, not what I wanted to hear, but a weight lifted nonetheless. I take some comfort knowing what is going on, knowing that he's aware there is a problem and that he is talking to someone.

He wants to get us back he says. I hope so too. I've never stopped loving him, ever. He's my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my lover, my kid's favourite person in the whole wide world. 

I hate to see him hurt so much. He wants to get himself together and then we can work on us he says. I'm game. I will give him the patience and time he needs and whatever the result, good or bad we'll figure it out

I'm heartbroken for both of us, praying for strength to carry forward and believe that there are better days ahead.

I love you Big C, so much, so, so much…from the bottom of my heart I hope you feel like your old self soon…

Til next time…hug someone that you love

What's going on?

It's been a while again, we had a good vacation and now we're back into the hornet's nest of life.

Things are not good. They're not bad, but they're not good. Big C and I seem to have a disconnect as of late. We're very civil to one another no big arguments or anything, no tension in that regard. We talk about things, share about our days etc...

But it's like we're working in silos, each doing their own thing and expecting something from the other that we're not getting. It's weird really. We're working toward the same goal, but doesn't feel like we're on the same page.

I'm doing my best to hold down the household chores and responsibilities, while Big C is trying to get everything else ready for the plumber to come in for our renovation and get some other stuff organized.

We both seem to be doing a pretty good job. But its taking a toll.

I've never seen him look so tired and so distant. Not so much that he doesn't want to be with us, just that there's so much going on, that he is disconnected from all of us a little bit.

He doesn't see that the dog just wants some of his time, he so desperately wants to please him, but he gets mixed messages from Big C. One day happy go lucky play with me guy, the next leave me alone, you're in big trouble dog attitude.

Big C keeps Miss K in his thoughts and for the most part keeps her at the forefront of his thoughts. He doesn't know she's stressed about school like she tells me, and I know she'd love more quality time with him.

I've been feeling kind of left out. Ever since we got back from vacation, I'm just there, more a room mate than a wife. We go through the motions, but don't really connect on any level. We both bust our ass until about 9:30 pm, have a drink on the couch together and go to bed.

I wonder why he doesn't even seem to want to touch me anymore. Oh, there's still kisses and hugs when we leave/come home, but no tenderness, no touches outside of that, just go, go, go. I try, I rub his feet, stroke his back at night but no reciprocation. 

No feeling of anger, just indifference from him. There's something there that he's not talking about, and I cannot seem to get him to open up, he's just not spilling it.

I'm going to confront him soon if this doesn't stop. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe there really is something bigger and deeper in there that is eating away at him.

I worry about things like that. We just lost a great entertainer in Robin Williams, suffering from depression. I know how quickly things can turn dark and depressing and how you think you can have no way out. I don't want that to happen to me or to him

I don't think anything is on rocky ground, and I love him more every day, but I don't like Big C very much right now.

I have to be strong and get this done. I can do it…I just have to keep telling myself that

Til next time…wish me luck

One month down

Whew, where the hell did July go? Another 5 weeks and summer is over and Miss K. starts school.

This moving and renovation thing makes time fly. Or makes you so exhausted that it seems like time is flying.

The new place is good, we've been there a month now and it's good. Tiring, but good. The majority of the boxes are unpacked, theres still some to go, but some of that is stuff that needs to stay in boxes, like Christmas decorations and other knick knack type stuff that may not get out of boxes for a while either.

Big C has the barn mostly organized and things put away, the little garage is navigable now too and every room is looking less and less disaster ridden.

Except maybe the second floor. It does look like a bomb went off. At least in the room where we're piling all the drywall, wood, trim and so on to eventually go in some sort of dumpster. That room is definitely not pretty, hazardous even but there is a purpose to it all.

What is to be Miss K's room is stripped of wallpaper, sort of, the backing is still on and needs to be removed. It's going to be hell to get it ready to paint too, the former owner was a house painter, would you think they would know the benefits of priming drywall before doing anything to it? I guess not, simply put, pain in the ass to remove wallpaper when you don't prime the drywall you dumb ass.

Oh well, gotta love a challenge. Big C busting his butt to get all the demolition done so we can load everything into a bin and then get going on the plumbing and other stuff.

He's really really working hard, too hard sometimes I think. We are under a time crunch to get this done by the end of the year or else the bank won't give us the money they've held back for improvements, but not that much of a time crunch.

He worries me a bit, I hope he's not pushing too hard. I want to help more in the demolition part, but somebody has to keep the kid and fur kid occupied, and do the laundry, cooking, groceries other fix-it jobs around the house. It is a team effort, but not really working in the same room if you know what I mean.

Miss K thinks its all kind of funny, walls missing from our bedroom and big piles of stuff in the middle of bedrooms, but most of all it is sort of oblivious to her.

She's an in the moment sort of gal and I feel bad for not spending a ton of quality time with her lately but she's happy enough, sleeping well and not getting into trouble so she must be doing OK

We're on vacation starting middle of this week, so I'm thinking that it will be a good break from house stuff at least for a little while, time to get some sleep and maybe think about something other than renovations and where to put stuff.

Til next time…I hope the mosquitos don't carry me away

It's home

Well we're home. It's been a week since the movers were here with all our stuff and it's home. We moved all our belongings out of the in between house last weekend to put an end to that chapter in our life and start in our home.

Miss K put it best. "We don't have to call it our new home mom, we can just call it home now. And she's right, that is what it is.

It is still chaos and boxes everywhere, but it's functional and it feels homey. It really does. We're still exhausted every night and we'll be wondering where the hell stuff is for months to come, but it's home.

Even the dog thinks so. He never seemed quite settled in the "in between house", he was happy enough, and didn't cause any trouble, but he really seems to enjoy the new house.

He plops himself down wherever he likes and seems comfortable doing so. There's no wandering, or aimless pacing looking for a spot to call his, he's just claimed it as his house as it should be.

Miss K is doing remarkably well too. This past week we've been trying to have her kick her nap while at the sitters. This is probably like playing with a loaded weapon considering all the change in the last week, but she's really doing well. Almost too well really, but it's been great.

She loves her toy room, loves the back yard, loves the barn, loves that we've got strawberries and soon to be raspberries right in our own yard. She likes her "in between room" as we have some major reno's to do before she can be in her permanent room. She's adjusted to everything really well. There's even minimal crankiness due to not having a nap which is a bonus.

Big C and I are doing ok too. We haven't killed one another yet, even though we have extended our "whatever we say to one another doesn't count" for another couple months until the renovations are done.

It feels good, to be in a house that you know you will be in for a while. It's an older place, so we know there will be the issues with having an older home, but there is still a comfort in being there and a happiness despite the speed bumps along the way.

I can see the look of satisfaction and calm in Big C when he surveys the barn and sees the endless possibilities for storage and keeping our stuff.

There is much work to be done and still about another 100 or so boxes to unpack, but we're there and I think happy for many years to come.

I still worry about the money and if we can actually pay for it all, but we'll be fine, I just have to convince myself of that while enjoying all that there is to offer at our new place.

Til next time, wherever it is that you call home I wish that it truly does feel like home to you