A sad anniversary

I can't hardly believe its been nearly a year. In another couple days it will be one year since we had to say goodbye to our Mudpuppy.

Thinking about her even now brings tears to my eyes, and a big lump in my throat. She lives in my heart each and every day and her picture a fixture in our house, even our in between house that we're living in for the next 4 weeks.

On one hand I'm sad, so deeply saddened that she had to go. Miss K still asks why our girl had seizures and unfortunately I'm never going to be able to answer her. Sometimes things just are the way they are and there's nothing we can do about it. 

I wonder sometimes how genuine Miss K is when she says she misses her, but I see the relationship she has with our new pup and to some degree believe that in her heart she still misses her too.

I get angry sometimes too. It wasn't fair to our girl, those horrible seizures that would most often attack in the middle of the night. They ravaged her body, mind and spirit in a way that we couldn't fix. 

I'm pissed that she didn't get to live out her full dog life, she didn't get a chance for more of the fun stuff that she loved to do, more time with us.

Yup, I know it's just a dog. It's not like it was Miss K or something that is gone. But, to me it still sucks.

Not on a large scale life altering/threatening scale that some endure every day. I'm not debating first world and third world problems. 

Anyone who's had a dog, cat, horse or whatever that you really bonded with, gets where i'm coming from. It doesn't compare to loss of human life or suffering I won't suggest that. It's a different kind of hurt when you've bonded with an animal that expects nothing more than food, water and a kind word or pat to the head.

Our Mudpuppy taught me more about compassion/loyalty and friendship than we ever taught her about obedience, hunting or retrieving. She had a special soul for sure.

Our new guy eases the hurt a bit. He's sweet in a different way and convinced he's a kid in a puppy's body some days. Miss K and I love him to death. Big C is getting there, he thought he was really ready to have another dog but losing his best hunting buddy to something so sinister really cut him deep.

He'll get there, the pup will win him over one day I'm almost sure of it. Big C has to remember this isn't our Mudpuppy and change his expectations. He's a good dog and though will never replace our girl, he will be an equal companion, friend and hunting buddy in time to all of us.

I miss you old girl. I know you're out there somewhere, doing all the things you loved the best. I think of you often and miss you every day. Hoping you are making someone very happy across that rainbow bridge of life and that we'll see one another again one day

I sort of thought I wouldn't still miss her so much, but those who leave a mark on your heart are there forever

Til next time…give your kids a hug for me, be they the 2 legged kind or the furry kind

No fixed address

As of yesterday at about 3:30 pm we are officially homeless. Maybe homeless is a bad word to use, we have a roof over our head and a place to eat and sleep, but we have no fixed address for the next 5 or so weeks. 

It's a weird feeling. I've always had a permanent residence. Even when I rented in college I still considered "home" my mom's place.

It was a weird day yesterday. It was my 42nd birthday and we were leaving our home of almost 7 years. Bittersweet is an understatement.

Oddly, I wasn't all that emotional yesterday. Sad yes. But overly sentimental no.

However, the other day we had to go back to our old house from our "in between house" to give Kaitlyn a bath. (The plug in the tub didn't work correctly at our in between house, and being a stat holiday nothing was open to fix it so off we went to where the plumbing functioned the way it should.)

We got back and it was like a rush of memories hit me at once. Big C and I moved in there before we were married so it was a lot of big life events that happened there. Our Mudpuppy came to live with us after the marriage, we had Miss K, we painted, we renovated, we got our new pup and so on

It all hit me in wave after wave of reminiscence. Like every step I climbed up to get to the bathroom was another year of nostalgia whacking me in the head and heart. I was choked up by the time I got to the top of the stairs

I know its only a house and our family is really where "home" is but it's difficult just the same. You look around and see things and the good and bad memories that went along with it.

Crazy stuff. I will miss the house, so many things that I really loved about it, but in many ways it didn't work for us anymore and thus it is time to move on.

We had a good chat with the neighbours we were closest with yesterday too which helped. We wish we could take them with us, but we're only going to be across town, so I suspect we'll see them at the grocery store a time or two.

Miss K doing ok with the change I think. It is the only house she's ever known and she was a little sad about having to leave, but very very happy that she gets to bring all her stuff with her. I think she was a little worried that the new people were going to use her toys or something and sit on our couch and so on. Kind of funny, but cute as she's 3.

I think the dog is confused. Happy that we're there, but confused a little bit as to why we don't have a big backyard anymore and he doesn't have a deck to sit on and survey the neighbourhood.

In time it will be good. It's good now, but more memories and good times to be had at the new house.

I will miss you old house, you will be in my heart along with the few other places that I've lived. Thanks for the memories, and I hope the new people treat you well

Til next time…when I tell you tales of living in the in-between house

Sleep. It does a body good.

Just over a week to M-Day. That is moving day for those of you who don't know.

Moving all our crap out of a house we've been in for about 7 years. Actually, not moving all the crap, we have to move some of it this weekend to our "in between house" where we're going to live for 5 weeks.

It's good we have a place to live while we have no fixed address, but sucks kind of living in limbo for that long.

I keep having sporadic panic attacks that we don't have enough packed, or we have too much or something along those lines. 

The mental and physical lists of what we need for the in between place and what we really don't need are piling up everywhere.

My head hurts just thinking about everything. 

At least I'm sleeping better. I was sure that a truck hit me last week. It sure felt like it.

I'd had one night of Big C being away and sleeping with one ear open, not to mention a brain in overdrive thinking all sorts of crazy moving stuff.

Then one night it was Miss K with the shriek that would peel paint off the wall about 2 am. Heart rate goes from 50 beats per minute to 250 beats per minute in about 1 second. Took forever to calm her down and us too.

The next night Miss K was complaining of a sore ear that no amount of drugs seemed to soothe. Then she upchucked at about 3 in the morning and that ended that night of sleep.

The next night was waiting at the local emergency room to have Miss K's ear looked at. Home for supper at 9 pm, bed about 11 or so. Thankfully no serious ear infection, we didn't even end up filling the script for antibiotics.

I believe there was one normal night of slumber, then we moved to Big C being up in the middle of the night retching up his guts. He'd caught whatever stomach bug ailed Miss K for 24 hours. 

If the screams from Miss K tops the list of sounds in the night I hate the most, Big C puking up his innards would be a close second. Both are the most ungodly noises you'd ever want to hear.

So that was a fun week of about 5 hours of sleep a night. I shouldn't complain, I wasn't sick, my mom superpowers shielded me from whatever nasty bug was going around and so far I've still not succumbed. But a human body really needs more sleep than that, especially one that is supposed to care for these sick and ailing people plus pack boxes and do laundry and stuff, I need more rest.

I think I've had 3 decent nights of sleep and let me tell you it does wonders for a person. I can think clearly, I don't have the sense that I've really really fucked something up along the way and I don't feel like I've been run over by a freight train. It's a good feeling.

So, we're into the home stretch for leaving our house. I'm not sure if I'm going to be emotional or not about leaving. It's probably good that its a quick transition to something different. Already it feels different, no pictures on the walls, boxes and crap everywhere. 

I will miss it, but it's just a shell for all the memories. Our mudpuppy has been gone for almost a year now, I'm thinking it might be good that we're not there on the anniversary, might make it a little easier without the visual reminders.

We'll carry on, the in between house will be just that, a quick transitional place to lay our head for a while and an interesting story years down the road.

It should all be good, as long as there's a few good nights sleep in there

Til next time…wish me luck that i don't pack anything that I actually do need over the course of 6 "gypsy" weeks